stout.

I made these awesome cupcakes for an order last week. Since I couldn't find Stone Imperial Russian Stout at the deli I ended up getting a can of Oskar Blue's Ten Fidy. I really loved the roasted flavor that the beer ended up giving the cupcakes. They're topped off with chocolate buttercream & candied bacon.

These cupcakes reminded me why I love baking. They were a lot of fun, especially candying bacon for the first time.

Hopefully someday Lush Pastries will have a real store and I can feed the masses pastries full of booze and bacon all the time! I'm here to make the world a fatter place.

xx

hair.

I'm growing my hair out, and I hope I can somehow make it look like Jenny Owen Youngs.

I think this is just in hope that I will become awesome like her.

xx

femme.

For some odd reason I've been trying to gussy up more. I'll throw on eye shadow and liner, make sure my hair is especially big and curly, and today I even decided to put on a dress. In the daylight.

What is wrong with me?

In other "changes" news: Patty & I are on a mission. We're planning on taking a trip to Laughlin this summer, and for the next 3 months it's mission 'how much weight can we lose in these 3 months'. Yes, every time I start a mission like this it usually fails, but maybe because I'm not going at it alone it will work out better. So anyone that sees me in the next few months might run across a cranky Candice because I will be cutting out a lot of beer and a lot of cheese. I guess this means I'll be calling March-June the "Jameson and Turkey Cutlet" months.

Wow I used a lot of parentheses in that faux paragraph of mine. Hmph.

Well now I'm off to go shopping for boozy cupcake supplies. The other half of the bottle of Stone Imperial Russian Stout will probably be my last beer for awhile... at least it's a good one!

xx

hobby.

I woke up this morning with an amazing impulse... I decide to drop about $50 and buy a holga. Yup, welcome Candice to the world of toy cameras and film.

I shot my first roll tonight at Proof while we were doing karaoke. I think it will turn out bad and awesome at the same time. I can't wait to get it developed and buy some more film. I don't really expect this is lead anywhere except for having some awesome photos to pin on my wall, but that's all that matters anyways.

And I'm probably gonna buy another one in a few weeks. Very excited.

xx

frands.

Today I realized that being sick really sucks when you already have a shit ton of stuff on your mind... who really wants to lay in bed all day thinking and coughing and feeling gross? Exactly.

And I also realized that having an amazing friend that will just sit around with you and watch tv all night long is a great thing. Nothing beats hours of Sex Decoy & Ru Paul's Drag Race.

<3

fuck.

I don't care what anyone thinks or says...

today was rough. And I made a huge decision despite what others think is important or not. This was important to me. This was part of my day to day life. This is forcing me to break habits that felt so natural to me. I've never had to do anything like this before, and it's the reason I'm up at almost 4am listening to confusing music for my confused mind.

I have never felt the need to disappear so much in my life. I wish I could coma it up for a few weeks and wake up refreshed and aware of what my next step should be.

But since that won't happen I'm just going to keep baking cupcakes at work tonight, and just concentrate on me for the first time. At least to the best of my abilities.

Oh and BTW, my abilities suck a lot for the most part.

xx

3am.

Tegan and Sara - Hell from Catherine Lutes on Vimeo.

I've had a really weird weekend... really weird. Full mostly of work, then drinking, then friends, then sleep. I prioritize well. Things are really pretty great when you get down to it.

Changes are tough though and I'm working on it. It's weird how things that felt so familiar before are almost like a stranger now. It's like I'm progressing so much, but some things have set me back a year + and I'm awkward and uncomfortable.

Gosh, growing up and being an adult with adult feelings and emotions and problems is hard. I know it will get harder and easier in some senses. For now it's hard... but everything else I'm dealing well with.

Life is funny. I lost my other half and am trying to build myself into being that lost half... because that's what needs to happen. It's awesome.

xx