tried.

i really thought that he would be there for me today. especially since he knew i was going to have such a rough night at work. but no. i'm assuming he got stoned and passed out as usual.

i know it's a stupid "holiday" and all, but i thought having a boyfriend meant you at least tried on days like this. i tried. even after working almost 15 hours. he failed.

unsure.

The bear and I had our worst first since October last night. It escalated so quickly, and was over something so dumb that I'm finding myself get angrier and angrier as the day goes by. I guess we're okay right now, and I'm trying to play things down and not lecture him right now about how much he hurt me. That conversation can be had at a later date when the dust has settled.

It's just hard when someone makes you feel like they won't break your heart, and then they rip it apart so easily. He actually did rip his Kindle in half, and while I watch it happen, I could feel the pain growing more and more inside me. The words he said while this was happening was below the belt. I know that I'm an overly sensitive person, but it's worse when it comes from someone you love.

I stayed up most of the night crying and writing him a letter that I'm not sure if I can even give him. I haven't reread it yet today because I know it says a lot of honest things that I might not want to remind myself with.

I'm such a ball of confusion right now. I don't know whether to be angry or sad. And the only way I can think to do is listen to music that feels the same pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm supposed to be going to his house for dinner in about an hour, and I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I'd much rather stay at home, listening to music, and drinking cheap beer. But alas, I am out of beer, and I don't want to make matters worse by not going. The truth is I'm going more for his sister than him. She's such a great gal, and I really like her a lot, and it was more her inviting me than him, so I feel obligated to not be a dick to her.

So for the next hour I'm gonna continue to listen to sad music and actually feel what I need to feel. I know that's sad and unhealthy, but if I don't do it now, I'll never give myself that chance.









xx

hopefully.

I got a phone call tonight from the chef at a new restaurant that's opening across the street from my place. Thanks to the lovely networking of my friends in this neighborhood, they got my resume and it's being passed along to the Pastry Chef. I'm hoping this brings an interview and job offer along because I'm really over the bakery I'm at currently. I've been there almost a year, and I've pretty much reached the highest position I can be in... which is funny because it's the same position I started in.

Today I stayed home from work because I woke up to my head pounding. I'm sure it's all the stress I'm putting myself under, feeling exhausted, and just not taking proper care of myself. The lazy day was needed, but I'm still feeling a bit "bleh" inside. Maybe it has something to do with my picking fights with the bear the last few days. There's no reason for them, I'm just feeling selfish and needy.

In all honesty, all I want right now is a big cup of frozen yogurt, a good documentary [or possible some Pawn Stars], and him. Instead, I'm in bed alone, playing Word Feud on my phone, and writing here.

I don't like acting like a crazy female, because I know that's how I'm acting. Hormones just suck and I can't do anything about that.

I'm lucky, I have a great guy that still cares about me no matter how silly I'm acting. But I shouldn't have to put him through that. I shouldn't act like a bitch towards my friends when they just want to hang out with me and I'm being surly. I really need to either be alone for awhile, or suck it up and get over myself.

Things are gonna get better. I have to believe that. This phone call tonight proves that, because I really never expected any response. I'm so ready for that next step in my life. I'm ready to get over my insecurities and just accept for once that people really do love and care about me when they say they do.

Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Or actually ride my bike somewhere. Getting out and doing something might be a bit more helpful for me these days. Or maybe I just need a beer and to get more sleep.

Meh.

new.

happy new year.

it's been quite awhile since i wrote on here. but i can't sleep right now. i've been having a really odd week, and the bear has been so nice and patient with me. it's so nice that we've been together for over 4 months now, but goodness does it feel a lot longer. we had a great holiday season, and got to spend time with both our families. but the reality of going back to work and back to real life has made me cranky and even a bit depressed.

i want to have a normal schedule. i'm applying for jobs in the administrative field. plus the bakery i'm still working out is stressing me out beyond belief. it's hard to work 60 hours a week, have a relationship, have friendships, make time to take care of my responsibilities, as well as making time to relax and decompress. i'm wound pretty tight, and it really takes a toll on the work i produce and my personal life. so trying to find that balance again has been difficult, but i'm sure i'll get there. i don't have a full day off until the 17th, so that'll have me working about 15 days without a break. so lame.

i just have to believe that all this hard work will pay off in the end. that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. and that one day [hopefully soon] i'll have a job that works with my life and vice versa.

until then i'm gonna try to release some stress, get some sleep, and hopefully get back to "normal".

xx