unsure.

The bear and I had our worst first since October last night. It escalated so quickly, and was over something so dumb that I'm finding myself get angrier and angrier as the day goes by. I guess we're okay right now, and I'm trying to play things down and not lecture him right now about how much he hurt me. That conversation can be had at a later date when the dust has settled.

It's just hard when someone makes you feel like they won't break your heart, and then they rip it apart so easily. He actually did rip his Kindle in half, and while I watch it happen, I could feel the pain growing more and more inside me. The words he said while this was happening was below the belt. I know that I'm an overly sensitive person, but it's worse when it comes from someone you love.

I stayed up most of the night crying and writing him a letter that I'm not sure if I can even give him. I haven't reread it yet today because I know it says a lot of honest things that I might not want to remind myself with.

I'm such a ball of confusion right now. I don't know whether to be angry or sad. And the only way I can think to do is listen to music that feels the same pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm supposed to be going to his house for dinner in about an hour, and I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I'd much rather stay at home, listening to music, and drinking cheap beer. But alas, I am out of beer, and I don't want to make matters worse by not going. The truth is I'm going more for his sister than him. She's such a great gal, and I really like her a lot, and it was more her inviting me than him, so I feel obligated to not be a dick to her.

So for the next hour I'm gonna continue to listen to sad music and actually feel what I need to feel. I know that's sad and unhealthy, but if I don't do it now, I'll never give myself that chance.









xx

hopefully.

cakespy.com is all sorts of amazing.

I really think I want to get a few of those guys tattooed on me! Would fit in perfectly with my baking/food sleeve.

So it's raining again, and after a really emotional morning, I'm feeling a lot better to have cried it all out. [And now it seems like the sky is crying, so maybe I won't have to anymore.] I went and got my hair cut for the first time in almost 3 months. Oh goodness was it needed. Thanks to my lovely friend Nicole at Splitends I don't look like a mess anymore.

I have a sinking feeling that this week is going to be a messy one for me, so the lack of alcohol and social settings that I'll be involving myself in will probably be a good thing. It's just amazing how quickly and seamlessly things can change without you even knowing. And once you realize it's out of your control, it's a bit refreshing yet completely heartbreaking at the same time. I know I cannot change anyone's mind about a situation, they are going to make their own decisions, I just hope that it will turn out to be for the best in the end. Right now I'm not too positive about this situation, I'm actually sad and angry and confused all wrapped up in one, but like I said it's out of my control.

I'm such a fixer, when things go bad I want to find a solution as quickly as possible. But for once in my life I know there's nothing I can do to repair a broken friendship if both parties aren't willing. I can't help but question the last year and I wonder if every good time & bad time was worth it, especially if we're not going to end up being friends in the end. What was I fighting for this whole time? But I have to remind myself about all the times he's made me laugh, and all the stupid inside jokes we collected. How we practically had our own language. And how for the first time in a long time I felt like someone really understood the real me. But times get tough and not everything is supposed to last I suppose. Maybe we'll get back on the same page someday. Maybe I won't be sad forever, or at least feel like I'm going to be. And hopefully someday soon he'll make me laugh again like that first night we hung out & stayed up talking until 5am. I do have hope that it will happen. It might be the only thing that's keeping me going.

And one day soon I'll have a bacon cupcake party, and bitter Candice will be gone, and it will be delicious and awesome.

xx