hopefully.

I got a phone call tonight from the chef at a new restaurant that's opening across the street from my place. Thanks to the lovely networking of my friends in this neighborhood, they got my resume and it's being passed along to the Pastry Chef. I'm hoping this brings an interview and job offer along because I'm really over the bakery I'm at currently. I've been there almost a year, and I've pretty much reached the highest position I can be in... which is funny because it's the same position I started in.

Today I stayed home from work because I woke up to my head pounding. I'm sure it's all the stress I'm putting myself under, feeling exhausted, and just not taking proper care of myself. The lazy day was needed, but I'm still feeling a bit "bleh" inside. Maybe it has something to do with my picking fights with the bear the last few days. There's no reason for them, I'm just feeling selfish and needy.

In all honesty, all I want right now is a big cup of frozen yogurt, a good documentary [or possible some Pawn Stars], and him. Instead, I'm in bed alone, playing Word Feud on my phone, and writing here.

I don't like acting like a crazy female, because I know that's how I'm acting. Hormones just suck and I can't do anything about that.

I'm lucky, I have a great guy that still cares about me no matter how silly I'm acting. But I shouldn't have to put him through that. I shouldn't act like a bitch towards my friends when they just want to hang out with me and I'm being surly. I really need to either be alone for awhile, or suck it up and get over myself.

Things are gonna get better. I have to believe that. This phone call tonight proves that, because I really never expected any response. I'm so ready for that next step in my life. I'm ready to get over my insecurities and just accept for once that people really do love and care about me when they say they do.

Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Or actually ride my bike somewhere. Getting out and doing something might be a bit more helpful for me these days. Or maybe I just need a beer and to get more sleep.

Meh.

new.

happy new year.

it's been quite awhile since i wrote on here. but i can't sleep right now. i've been having a really odd week, and the bear has been so nice and patient with me. it's so nice that we've been together for over 4 months now, but goodness does it feel a lot longer. we had a great holiday season, and got to spend time with both our families. but the reality of going back to work and back to real life has made me cranky and even a bit depressed.

i want to have a normal schedule. i'm applying for jobs in the administrative field. plus the bakery i'm still working out is stressing me out beyond belief. it's hard to work 60 hours a week, have a relationship, have friendships, make time to take care of my responsibilities, as well as making time to relax and decompress. i'm wound pretty tight, and it really takes a toll on the work i produce and my personal life. so trying to find that balance again has been difficult, but i'm sure i'll get there. i don't have a full day off until the 17th, so that'll have me working about 15 days without a break. so lame.

i just have to believe that all this hard work will pay off in the end. that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. and that one day [hopefully soon] i'll have a job that works with my life and vice versa.

until then i'm gonna try to release some stress, get some sleep, and hopefully get back to "normal".

xx

believe.

It's really amazing to me how much things have changed in the past few months. The bear & I have been through some crazy shit ever since we started dating. And for us only being together a little over 2 months, it feels like SO much longer. I question about things moving too fast, but this is different. It doesn't feel like the lustful, head in the clouds, kind of relationship. The things we've been through have been real adult issues, and the fact that we've been able to get through them fine gives me so much hope for the future.

He's starting to apply for jobs now, since he's just been a student ever since he got out of the military a year ago. And since he's applying for jobs outside of Orange County, we've had to discuss our options. Without any doubt, he's told me that he wants me to move with him if he does get a job outside OC. This is exciting and nerve wrecking for me. The idea of finally getting out of OC is great, especially since I've been wanting to make the move for quite some time. But is this too soon? Am I rushing into something?

Just the fact that I've had him tell me that he wants to take care of me, he wants to make enough money so I don't have to work 2 jobs anymore; this is just so new to me. I've been independent for so long, but at the same time he really does make me want to trust someone to care for me.

I can envision this future. I can see how great it would be. And I'm more happy than nervous at the thought of us going and starting a life together. I guess it's more the thought in the back of my head... what's everyone else going to think? This is terrible, because it's not their life and my true friends will be supportive of me. But at the same time, I understand why people would be concerned.

I know this is a lot to think about when he doesn't even have the job yet. And that I'll cross that bridge when I get there. There's just so much going through my head, and it's really been a long and strange day, that of course I'm over thinking it.

At the end of the day, him & I will end up where we need to be at the right time. I believe that. Everything really does happen for a reason.

-----

Besides all the business that's been going on, I've been working and still getting over my illness. I'm feeling quite a lot better, so much so that bear & I went out in LBC last night. It was a nice change of scenery, but man is it so much easier to drop money when there's cover charges on top of drinks. I'm pretty spoiled in Santa Ana.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I took today off because we had a car issue this morning that left both of us a little shaken up. Lucky for me, my manager was really understanding, as well as my coworkers.

At least I do get to sleep in tomorrow, then go make some delicious cupcakes, and come home to crash by 9pm. Next week is going to be very long since I'll be working at least 7 days in a row. Let's just hope that nothing else exciting happens tomorrow. I'm looking for a nice boring, work filled week.

So good night. I hope to pass out to the sweet bass of Proof Bar coming through my window.

xx

good.

Life has been so good to me lately, despite being totally sick for the last month. I'm finally getting over this terrible cold that I've had. It took me finally giving in and going to the doctor, taking some time off work, and actually resting for once. The only thing I have left is my cough, but hopefully that will be gone by next week.

The bear and I have been doing so well lately. We had a really great weekend of dancing, drinking, documentarying... yeah, new word. And tomorrow night is date night, which includes Due Date and sleepovers. I'm so happy to be able to sleep in Thursday & Friday thanks to Veterans Day + working for the school district. Yay for being paid to not go to work. And since the bear is a Vet, Thursday we're gonna go try to get some free food deals for his service to this country.

The whole way home from work tonight, all I wanted to do was listen to "Home" by LCD Soundsystem. It just seemed fitting. Even after going out and grabbing drinks with coworkers after we were off work, I still couldn't wait to come home. I've seen such a change in myself over the last few months. It's not that I don't want to go out anymore, I'm just enjoying my quite time at home more and more. It probably has a lot to do with me being sick too. I just have so much going on, and I'm trying to save money for my trip to San Francisco at the beginning of December, that the idea of being home in my pajamas seems so much more enticing than being out/being blacked out.

I'm sure I'll return to my previously scheduled drunken Candice soon enough. She does usually pop her curly head out every few weeks. But until then...



xx

official.

[source]

So Bear & I made it official in a bit of a drunken haze last night. It was nice waking up next to him this morning, and I'm looking forward to many more mornings like that. Hopefully not all of them will involve me having to go to work at 830am though.

Besides my glee of getting to change my FB status and profess to the internet world how happy I am right now, I'm also getting things done around the house today. I cleaned up the kitchen, and am in the middle of doing the bit of laundry I have. Then later tonight is dinner with my Patty for her birthday.

I also ran across this fantastic blog called DEVIATED. Definitely something worth following.


[source]

Well now I'm off to spend hopefully the rest of the day away from the internet, and maybe even go try on some TOMS shoes that I'll be able to finally get with my next paycheck. Thank goodness for a full paycheck and a last minute baking order for this weekend. This little lady sure needed some funds.

xx

exhausted.

This has been such an incredibly long week, and tomorrow will be my 7th of probably 15 days in a row I'll be working. And even though it's only 1/2 day of work for me tomorrow, it's still an 8 hour shift and that sucks. I'm a little tired of cupcakes at this point.

The boy [we'll call him Bear] is doing good. And him & I are doing good. I'm trying my best to not over think everything, but it's my nature. He's really accepting of who I am, and where I'm wanting to go, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is annoying because all I've wanted was to be happy.. and I am! But I'm over thinking it rather than just living in it. Oh well, he's pretty rad, and I'm really happy, so I should just get over it and accept that I deserve someone that doesn't make me feel like shit for once.

Bear's gonna meet Patty on Monday finally, which I'm jazzed about! I'm taking them out to dinner for Patty's birthday, which should be fun and fatty.

And next week is my favorite holiday... actually probably the only holiday I really enjoy. [This may be because I'm selfish.] I turn the awesome age of 25 on the 28th of this month. It should be a really fun birthday. Plus I took time off work to fully enjoy it. Booze and food and friends. I'm gonna run around DTSA and act a fool all night.

I don't think I realized how incredibly exhausted I was until I crawled into bed. So now I'm gonna go read, and probably fall asleep about 1/2 way through the first page. Tomorrow is going to be full of more cupcakes... along with this whole week. On top of work I'm making birthday cupcakes for my cousin. Goodness. I swear I do find time to sleep, even if it's not as much as I would like.

xx