exhausted.

This has been such an incredibly long week, and tomorrow will be my 7th of probably 15 days in a row I'll be working. And even though it's only 1/2 day of work for me tomorrow, it's still an 8 hour shift and that sucks. I'm a little tired of cupcakes at this point.

The boy [we'll call him Bear] is doing good. And him & I are doing good. I'm trying my best to not over think everything, but it's my nature. He's really accepting of who I am, and where I'm wanting to go, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is annoying because all I've wanted was to be happy.. and I am! But I'm over thinking it rather than just living in it. Oh well, he's pretty rad, and I'm really happy, so I should just get over it and accept that I deserve someone that doesn't make me feel like shit for once.

Bear's gonna meet Patty on Monday finally, which I'm jazzed about! I'm taking them out to dinner for Patty's birthday, which should be fun and fatty.

And next week is my favorite holiday... actually probably the only holiday I really enjoy. [This may be because I'm selfish.] I turn the awesome age of 25 on the 28th of this month. It should be a really fun birthday. Plus I took time off work to fully enjoy it. Booze and food and friends. I'm gonna run around DTSA and act a fool all night.

I don't think I realized how incredibly exhausted I was until I crawled into bed. So now I'm gonna go read, and probably fall asleep about 1/2 way through the first page. Tomorrow is going to be full of more cupcakes... along with this whole week. On top of work I'm making birthday cupcakes for my cousin. Goodness. I swear I do find time to sleep, even if it's not as much as I would like.

xx

bangs.

Meet Fortran... my roomie's pup/my partner in crime when I have a day off

I went today and got my hair cut... it was mostly bulk getting taken out rather than length. I asked Nicole to straighten it for me cause it's been months since I've even attempted to do it, and to also give me some bangin' bangs. Results: I love it. I'm sure I'll be back to curly in a few days, but for my grandma's birthday party tomorrow, I'll look pretty snazzy.

I'm so excited because my brother is coming into town tonight, and he's staying with me for the weekend. He's one of my favorite people ever. And we always have fun adventures. So we're going out tonight Downtown... gonna shake up Santa Ana a bit.

Until then, Fortran and I are gonna continue to be lazy and lay on the couch. Maybe we'll go outside so I can have a cigarette, and he can sniff around. And maybe we'll even watch Angel-A which I've had from Netflix for almost a week. I'm glad to have some good company with me today.

xx

alone.

Candice Brown is a 24 SWF living in Santa Ana, Ca. She enjoys long nights at the bar, anything covered in cheese, and getting really nerdy tattoos.

I haven't felt comfortable being alone in awhile. Trust me, before I actually moved to Santa Ana life was great... except for the living in Garden Grove part. For the first time in a long time I was really happy being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry or answer to anyone. But as soon as I moved Downtown I met someone that changed that and set me back to some old habits.

While the summer was a lot of fun, actually the best summer I've had as an adult, going into fall was tough. And I started to not feel so independent anymore. I had someone to lean on when the shit hit the fan, and it was nice. But I didn't realize that when all that ended, when I really needed to be able to stand up on my own two feet, that I made myself so weak in the knees that I completely collapsed back into being a dependent needy girl.

How gross is that?

I'm not saying this process is going to be easy. I'm not saying I won't cry and punch walls and drink too much to kill some of the pain. All I can say is that I have an amazing support system of friends that will be there for me when times are tough. But at the same time I know that I can pick myself back up. I've done this before. I'm a strong gal.

As for this week, I've decided to take a break from the Downtown life. I need to get some things straight before my new roommate moves in at the beginning of February. I want to get a good amount of sleep at night and keep myself busy at work. Read more. Watch too much Rescue Me thanks to Netflix. And pretty much be okay with being alone.

It's not as sad as it sounds... I promise that there will be more crazy nights in my future. I can guarantee that.

xx

goodness.

Can I just say how much I love Pandora? I've been obsessively listening to the Camera Obscura channel like a crack fiend all week, and this little song came on. Yes Pandora, you must know that the rain and songs about the new year and boys that make me think too much is EXACTLY what I was needing to hear right now. And as weird of a week as I've been having, I'm really happy and looking forward to the end of this month. This is mainly because I have a trip planned for February and I'm more than a little excited about it.

My big brother Dan has been living in San Francisco for 1 1/2 years now and I've yet to go visit him. I've never even been to SF! So with a little money I have coming my way in February, I'm going to be booking a flight and finally getting my butt up there. My whole trip is going to revolve around food, booze, and friends... and hopefully staying away from the internetz as much as possible. I'm also trying to coordinate with my friend that lives up there because I want to see his face like a lot. A lot a lot.

As for this fine evening in January, I'm going down to Memphis for a little PJ party with my friends. People are supposed to bring board games too. I volunteered to bring Harry Potter Scene It since that's the only one I own... but there's no DVD player at the bar PLUS I think everyone would be terrified of me kicking their ass. It's happened before. I think just having a Harry Potter tattoo qualifies me to win. Hmm...

This is why I love my neighborhood so much. Because I can go down to the bar, in my PJ's, and no one cares. Actually I get complimented on my comfort level. It's pretty rad. Thanks Santa Ana. You're pretty awesome!

xx

retrospect.

5 days into 2010 and I'm pretty pleased so far. Besides this awesome cold that popped up yesterday. But as much as I'm happy to look into the future, I just want to look back on 2009 for one last moment. Like saying goodbye to a shitty friend that you're still nice to whenever they call because you had some good times together.

Trust me, a year ago I never would have dreamed I'd be living in Downtown Santa Ana, that I would have as many friends as I do, and that my whole world would be turned completely upside down because of a silly website called yelp.

March changed everything. I finally got that second job I'd been needing and for once would be paying for all my bills on my own. A week before I started at Fresh & Easy I went to my first yelp elite event at Grand Central in Santa Ana. There I met my lovely friend Christopher Hall, who really changed my life by asking me to join him for a drink at Memphis. I met Johnny that night, and I'm sure a few other people in my drunken haze, but by meeting CH I felt more welcome than anywhere I'd ever been before. I slowly started to drag friends to Memphis with me on Johnny nights, until one night after a long day at Disneyland, I needed a drink. I decided to venture to Memphis on my own, and that was the best decision I've ever made. I met a ton of people, hung out with Johnny, and had a blast. After that I didn't need anyone to go with me because I was quickly making new friends [and a new family] in SA.

CH introduced me to my awesome friend Nicole in April and we hit it off right away. She talked Chris & Johnny into letting me cater a gallery opening, which got lush pastries off the ground. I catered a show for Joseph Hawa at The Box Gallery and it was one of the best experiences, even though it was completely nerve wrecking. But I learned that the nerves are a good thing. They make you want to be better.

Soon enough I decided it would be best to get out of Garden Grove and actually move Downtown. Right after I moved I ended up making one of the best friends I've ever come across. I swear he's my other half. My bacon best friend. I knew Andy from the bar for months, and we'd talk and drink, but it was always just bar talk. One night I decided that he shouldn't drive home and brought him back to my place to sober up. We talked until 5am. Who knew that we would hit it off so well? It's fate I guess. And even though in the following months we had our share of ups and downs, it has somehow made me a better person. And probably a more sober person now. I don't know how I drank so much sometimes! He's a great friend and I'm happy that I found him somehow. Our friendship transcends language and time zones and miles and sobriety.

Another amazing amazing friend I met thanks to Downtown is my Patty. She's one of my best friends, probably the closest girlfriend I have at the moment, and I love her every single day more & more. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time that I know we'll be friends for the long run. I'm lucky because she just lives upstairs and I can call on her anytime I need someone to listen to my drama or just grab a sandwich with me from Subway. She makes it easy to be myself and not worry what other people think. And I know no matter what, she's loves me. And you really can't buy that kind of love... sometimes you just luck up and find it at the bar.

I got my heart broken worse than ever before this year, and now that it's finally healing I'm feeling more like myself again. It's a refreshing way to start a new year. And as much as I try not to regret things, there are some things that I wish I could have changed. But I'm hoping that this will only make me into a more conscious person. More aware that I'm hurting others or hurting myself.

So thanks 2009 for teaching me a lesson or two about life. You gave me hope that I'm not a total loser, and actually I'm a pretty awesome person. You got me to be brave and try so many new things. But you also kicked my ass [it was deserved at times].

I'm going to get back to making a mix cd for someone that may never hear it, and that's okay, cause it's probably more for me anyway. Sometimes I just need to get stuff out of my system, even if it's just in the form of some silly music from my not so huge playlist.

xx

unwrapped.

I feel pretty lucky this xmas because I got a few things that really meant something to me. They weren't just things...


My own mug at Hollingshead.


Best mix cd I've ever heard. I've been playing it non-stop since I got it.


And a Harry Potter Oyster Card holder. Now if I can just get back to london.

This was probably the best xmas I've ever had. It ended with my SA family, some new faces and some old. Those people are really the best present I could get all year.

I'm trying now to figure out plans for New Years. I'm sure I'll end up at Memphis since I can walk there and everyone is pretty much going to be there. But I'm pining for an adventure and I have a few days off around that time. We'll see what happens. Everything always ends up turning into an adventure anyway.

xx

december.

Hello December! When did you decide to show your lovely face? And why is it still hot and sunny outside? Damn you California.

I need things like calendars otherwise I'll never know what's going on in my world. And so far December looks pretty good and pretty busy. Lots of art plans [Santa Ana Art Walk this Saturday + Box Gallery opening on the 9th], Nicci's birthday, and then of course Christmas nonsense. I'm just looking forward to my two weeks off from the school district at the end of the month. Hooray for winter breaks!

As an early xmas present to myself I'm thinking about getting a 160g ipod. My little 8g isn't cutting it for me, but I figure I'll hang onto it for when I go to the gym, unless I can find someone that wants to take it off my hands for a fair price. So right now I'm uploading all of my amazingly bad taste in music onto my itunes so I can be prepared when I get it either today or tomorrow. How awesome will it be to go from Elliott Smith to the Spice Girls to Beethoven in one click of a button. 40,000 songs is a little much, but what the hell, it gives me room for improvement.

I'm really looking forward to this weekends art walk because CH and a bunch of other amazing people Downtown put together one of the craziest art projects I've seen. And I'm so happy that it will be running the whole month, because I have a feeling if I'm ever a little down I could just walk 2 blocks and see this and be happy...

555 KUBIK | facade projection | from urbanscreen on Vimeo.

I'll be sure to take a video of the one down here on Saturday and post it because they customize it specifically for the building it's being projected it.

Off to my 2nd job soon, but at least I have the morning off to sleep in and hopefully go run on the treadmill or something.

xx

thanks.

It's Thanksgiving for a little bit longer, and even though I'm not really keen on holidays, this one was pretty good. I saw family that I haven't seen in years, ate a lot of great food, and still get to sleep in tomorrow morning.

So in the spirit of things, here's a few things that I'm pretty thankful for from this past year...


Great new friends... BBF came outta no where in my life and I'm really happy that we somehow clicked right off the bat. It's nice to have someone that I can talk to about anything, get in stupid fights with, and still know that at the end of the day he'll be there to make me laugh. And get me drunk [even when he's 400+ miles away].


CH! CHCHCH! Thank goodness for yelp and the stylenetwork. I'm so thankful that this guy is in my life. I'm thankful for him pushing me to start lush pastries and giving me my first big job, for talking me into moving to downtown, and for even little things like letting me crash & having 7am balcony conversations. I'm a lucky gal to have such an awesome friend.


Gotta love the lush pastries bunker!


Nicole not only is the amazing fixer of my hair, but she is also one of my dearest friends. She always know how to make me smile, especially with awesome bbq adventures and frozen yogurt runs. She will forever be my crazy jager sister + 3am dance party partner in crime.


Patio on my patio! Patty seriously had me at hello. Or at least after a late night at Memphis on her first night working. MISE EN PLACE 4 LIFE!


My Johnny love! Thanks for showing me that I am a fucking star... because I am... and so are you!


I'm so in love with David. Like so in love. He gives me the best advice [which I really should listen to], pours me shots of vodka at 1pm on Wednesdays, and will always let me gossip about my stupid life problems. And the whiskey tastings are a good perk as well! Let's have another Goat Hill adventure and play some more epically long games of pool.


UH-MAZING FOOD!!! I've eaten so many good things this year thanks to food adventures. Oh goodness... thank goodness I'm not a crazy picky eater anymore. Special trips to San Diego just to eat a Nacho Cheese Burger might be the greatest thing ever.




And really good beer! Lots of it. Too much sometimes. Thanks for all the foggy memories.

Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my brother and my amazing friends in downtown tomorrow. This is going to be a good weekend. Especially since Saturday is both Brian's Post Turkey Day party + an amazing birthday party. It's gonna be fun and fat, my two favorite things.

xx

ice wars.

Nights at Memphis in Santa Ana are never boring. Even when I try my best to be responsible and leave early, I somehow get talked into staying 2+ extra hours. My misadventures are always the best when it's just Johnny behind the bar & me sitting in my usual spot, and last night was no different. Ice wars, cookies, lots of whiskey, bathroom photo shoots, me laying on the floor somewhere in the bar at some point during the night, new friends, and of course old friends.

Thank goodness I live walking distance from Memphis... vehicles are not an option after a certain amount of hours down there.

xx

forever.

Diamonds are forever, but I prefer tattoos. My best friend Andy [BBF... Bacon Best Friends?... we have a weird friendship to say the least] decided to start on his sleeve and I've been wanting to get my knuckle tattooed for awhile, so we decided to have a tattoo party weekend. We ventured to Sid's Tattoo in Santa Ana, Ca Saturday night to get his started. Our friend Bill was doing the deed. His tattoo took about 3 hours and is an amazing traditional black and grey [I'll post pictures soon].

As for me, Bill told me about this special they were going to be having every Sunday for the next year. $60 Sundays! You pick one of 7 designs and it's only $60. So I saw one of the designs Saturday while Andy was being tattooed and made a joke that I should get it with the word "MUFFIN" written above... and that was it. Everyone was sold, including me, and Bill offered to do my knuckle as well.

So off I went Sunday afternoon with my lovely love Patty to get me scarred for life.



I am so incredibly happy with how they came out. Andy came by to visit while I was getting them done which made the BBF Tattoo Party 2009 a success.

Now to decided what to get with my next paycheck...

xx