exhausted.

This has been such an incredibly long week, and tomorrow will be my 7th of probably 15 days in a row I'll be working. And even though it's only 1/2 day of work for me tomorrow, it's still an 8 hour shift and that sucks. I'm a little tired of cupcakes at this point.

The boy [we'll call him Bear] is doing good. And him & I are doing good. I'm trying my best to not over think everything, but it's my nature. He's really accepting of who I am, and where I'm wanting to go, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is annoying because all I've wanted was to be happy.. and I am! But I'm over thinking it rather than just living in it. Oh well, he's pretty rad, and I'm really happy, so I should just get over it and accept that I deserve someone that doesn't make me feel like shit for once.

Bear's gonna meet Patty on Monday finally, which I'm jazzed about! I'm taking them out to dinner for Patty's birthday, which should be fun and fatty.

And next week is my favorite holiday... actually probably the only holiday I really enjoy. [This may be because I'm selfish.] I turn the awesome age of 25 on the 28th of this month. It should be a really fun birthday. Plus I took time off work to fully enjoy it. Booze and food and friends. I'm gonna run around DTSA and act a fool all night.

I don't think I realized how incredibly exhausted I was until I crawled into bed. So now I'm gonna go read, and probably fall asleep about 1/2 way through the first page. Tomorrow is going to be full of more cupcakes... along with this whole week. On top of work I'm making birthday cupcakes for my cousin. Goodness. I swear I do find time to sleep, even if it's not as much as I would like.

xx

woo.

I'm smitten and it feels so good. I'm not even gonna bother second guessing it, because that never gets me anywhere.

And I'm actually losing my voice because we've spent the last 3 days talking for hours on end.

Who knew a guy that I've been chatting with sporadically for a few months would turn out to be such a rad guy that I totally click with? I'm so excited to see where this all goes. And to have more conversations until 7am. And more beer, and food, and grocery store dates.

Besides this whole smitten thing, I'm exhausted and enthralled with work. Long days are never fun, but it keeps me busy and I'm back to making the money I've been missing. I'm trying to find time to read and catch up on TV, but it's hard. I really need to reread the Harry Potter series before the next movie comes out in November. I just find putting time aside to lay in bed and read difficult. I always feel like there's somewhere else I need to be, or I should be sleeping, or doing laundry, or etc etc etc.

I guess it's important that I make some time for myself so I don't go crazy. And starting to date someone new is exciting and scary, and we both don't want things to move too fast... so this ME time is really necessary. Along with making time to see friends and family.

I feel terrible not having time to see my favorite people lately. But hopefully once I get used to my new routine I'll learn how to balance everything.

Thankfully right now though the only thing I need to worry about is getting some sleep. 7am is gonna sneak up on me.

xx

again.

Well, ya win some and ya lose most of them. At least I don't feel bad and it was only a few dates. So glad I didn't get my hopes up.

Tomorrow I start my crazy schedule once again. Ugh I should have slept in more today to take advantage! Closing at work is taking some time to get used. I really enjoy being able to bake again, but it's a lot more physical labor. It's kicking my ass in a good way.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend and David's beer filled bbq. I lucked up and actually got Sunday off from the bakery so I can sleep and recover before going back to work Monday morning.



And for no particular reason, I'm currently playing this song on repeat. And I would do just about anything to see these men live. Like now. Preferably a private show in my living room.

xx

catch up.

The show went so great last night. Aaron's art work was amazing. There was a great turn out of people. I passed out a ton of cookies and cards. And everyone had a blast. I'm so lucky to have amazing people in my life that let me do awesome things like this.

It's going to be so strange going back to work tomorrow after 5 days off. But at the same time I'm excited to get back to normal life. These days off were definitely needed though. It was nice to go out and not have to worry about waking up at a certain time the next day. I relaxed, caught up with people, slept, didn't touch a cupcake [you really don't know how happy this made me], drank a bit too much, and had a blast. And on top of everything, this weekend itself was one of the best I've had in a while.


I caught up with an old friend today, and it made me so happy to have a drink, talk, and fuck around for a few hours. It really made me realize that how I react to things going on in other peoples lives can have a serious impact on our friendship. This is something I'm going to be working on.

I have so many good things going on that I really don't want to fuck anything up. I'm looking at expanding lush pastries more on the internetz. I'm going to be revamping my Santa Ana Saved My Life blog now that I have a clear idea on what I want to do with it [stayed tuned because it should be awesome]. I know that everything needs to be taken 1 day at a time, so I'm trying not to stress too much about it.

But as for now I need to get myself to sleep because 4:30am is going to be rough after not seeing it for many days.

xx

stencil.

Cutting out stencils for Aaron Kraten cookies made this evening not so bad. Also a short conversation with a good friend helped me to put things in more perspective [ie. not everyone that seems happy is always happy, but there's always a light at the end and there's always a friend there even when you think you're alone].

I'm so excited to make it through 1 more day of work, and then to enjoy 5 lovely days of cookies & sleeping in. Also birthdays and adventures will be thrown in there too. But mostly cookies and food coloring and an airbrush will be the bulk of my time.

My friend who runs an awesome restaurant called Rooster PM reminded me tonight that we were gonna make endangered species cookies/cupcakes for his place. Now I really want to make a manatee stencil for him. I'm gonna try to work on that this week as well as everything else.

So I'm gonna turn this week around from last night because I really don't have the time and energy to be a downer. Plus I have some really amazing things happening at the moment!

And I must must MUST remind myself: I can't control how other's treat me... I can only control how I react to the situation. And I'm taking back control.

xx

frands.

Today I realized that being sick really sucks when you already have a shit ton of stuff on your mind... who really wants to lay in bed all day thinking and coughing and feeling gross? Exactly.

And I also realized that having an amazing friend that will just sit around with you and watch tv all night long is a great thing. Nothing beats hours of Sex Decoy & Ru Paul's Drag Race.

<3

sorry.

So apparently I rule at life and like to collapse from drunkenness outside bars and have 5 people carry me home. Like literally carry me home. Each limb and my head. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed from something I don't remember... EVER. So my apologies and thanks go out to the people of Santa Ana and my amazing friends who put up with me that night. The bump on my head is not payment enough for what they had to go through.

xx

in.

Why oh why am I awake at 230am? I luckily don't have to work until 1245pm but still, I do have pastry business to take care of before I head to the real job.

Tonight I experienced something that I was afraid would never happen. It's so simple too, but for whatever reason I thought myself incapable of it. I hung out with my friends downtown... without going to the bar. We all just hung out at Patty's [in our pjs], watched Jersey Shore, smoked cigarettes, drank beer & ate pizza. I didn't get trashed. It actually was the most relaxed I've felt all week.

I hope this year consists of more evenings in with friends. Nothing beats trashy tv and amazing company.

And soon, very soon, I promise that I will have an epic Star Wars marathon with PBR & homemade pizza at my place. This will happen once my new roommate moves in and I'm very excited for it. And I know a few other people that will be equally as excited.

In OTHER very exciting news my friend Zuhair over at twohandsradio was kind enough to ask me to write a guest blog entry recapping my 2009. He said some amazingly nice things about me and it really made my day. You should check it out along with all the other awesome entries.

And whenever I think of Zuhair I think of cardigans and how badly I need a black one.



Old Navy [yes Old Navy...] is winning my heart over with these two. I think I might have to make a trip this weekend because it's been years since I've owned a proper black cardigan. And I swear if I find one I'll buy two!

I'm hoping these sleeping pills will kick in soon and I'll be able to dream of being surrounded in piles of black cardigans and cold pizza. Life could be worse.

xx

mail.

Who doesn't like to get mail? I mean, other than bills, getting a package in the mail is one of the raddest things to happen to someone. Or at least I think so. Maybe this is because I don't get packages very often, so when I do it's a really special thing.

This is for my friend that lives just far enough away that I can totally justify sending a package to him. I'm hoping that it will bring him a little bit of joy, maybe some laughs, and a lot of ear-happiness!

This week has been tough so far, but I'm having high hopes going into the weekend. I just finished 6 dozen peanut butter cups for an order that's due Saturday. They're pretty delicious and I'm really happy with how they came out. I even have a little bit of the filling left so if I luck up and have a free moment tomorrow I think I'll make a few for my friends that never got to have them at The Box Gallery opening I catered.

I'm doing my best to stay a bit boring the rest of the week. Concentrate on finishing this order. Go to work and be as productive as possible. And get just enough sleep, not the comas I've been falling into lately. I will tell you it's hard to be boring when you live downtown because I can hear everything going on just outside my window. Maybe I should invest in some cheap earplugs or better headphones.

Well I can hear the post office & work calling my name. Another day another dolla!

xx

chance.

They play some crummy music at F&E which makes work tough sometimes, but every once in a while this song comes on and it makes me too happy.

The last few days have made me really happy for second chances. And for the internet on my phone. And more sober nights than blackouts.

Yesterday was Johnny's birthday and since he had to work at Memphis everyone just ended up going there to hang out with him. Well I'm pretty sure we'd all be there anyways, but his birthday was a plus. I baked him some cookies, white chocolate chip with almonds & a grand marnier glaze. Now I know I can bake, and that my flavors are usually pretty good, but even I thought these cookies came out really good. He actually ended up telling me, along with random strangers at the bar that he passed cookies out to, that in 33 years on earth they were the best cookies he's ever had. That's a pretty heavy compliment. And I'm gonna take that as a jumping off point for this year in my baking escapades. I just need some pictures of them, which means I need to steal a camera from BBF for a proper cookie photo shoot. And I need to add them to the website.

Today's my FULL day off, otherwise all weekend I only work until 11am. So I'm gonna be a bit lazy today and enjoy my bed & Rescue Me Season 2, and I'm gonna work on this mix that is just having me stumped. I just need to find the right first song and I think it will all come together from that.

It's gonna be a good friday I do believe.

xx

xmas.

Merry Christmas kiddies!

A little Dave Brubeck never hurt anyone, especially during the holidays. I'm not a huge fan of the holidays, but it was nice to wake up at my parents house this morning. We're cooking breakfast and watching terrible tv. And I'm getting to play with their pup Sadie [gosh she makes me want a dog].

I'm heading back to Santa Ana tonight though to hang out with my other family. We're hitting up a dive bar and just doing what we do best [drink, smoke, be amazing]. I'm extra excited also because I get to hopefully hang out with someone awesome before they head back up to SF. [Yeah, it's making me smile a lot.]

Hope everyone has a great holiday! I didn't have high hopes for today, but it's nice to see that the end of this year has taken a turn for the better!

xx

loves.

I'll get home and meet my friends at our favorite bar.
We'll get some lighter heads for our heavy hearts.
And we will share a drink.
Yeah we will share our fears and they will know how I love them.
They will know how I love.
They will know how I love them.
I am nothing without their love.
Bring on the weekend already!

thanks.

It's Thanksgiving for a little bit longer, and even though I'm not really keen on holidays, this one was pretty good. I saw family that I haven't seen in years, ate a lot of great food, and still get to sleep in tomorrow morning.

So in the spirit of things, here's a few things that I'm pretty thankful for from this past year...


Great new friends... BBF came outta no where in my life and I'm really happy that we somehow clicked right off the bat. It's nice to have someone that I can talk to about anything, get in stupid fights with, and still know that at the end of the day he'll be there to make me laugh. And get me drunk [even when he's 400+ miles away].


CH! CHCHCH! Thank goodness for yelp and the stylenetwork. I'm so thankful that this guy is in my life. I'm thankful for him pushing me to start lush pastries and giving me my first big job, for talking me into moving to downtown, and for even little things like letting me crash & having 7am balcony conversations. I'm a lucky gal to have such an awesome friend.


Gotta love the lush pastries bunker!


Nicole not only is the amazing fixer of my hair, but she is also one of my dearest friends. She always know how to make me smile, especially with awesome bbq adventures and frozen yogurt runs. She will forever be my crazy jager sister + 3am dance party partner in crime.


Patio on my patio! Patty seriously had me at hello. Or at least after a late night at Memphis on her first night working. MISE EN PLACE 4 LIFE!


My Johnny love! Thanks for showing me that I am a fucking star... because I am... and so are you!


I'm so in love with David. Like so in love. He gives me the best advice [which I really should listen to], pours me shots of vodka at 1pm on Wednesdays, and will always let me gossip about my stupid life problems. And the whiskey tastings are a good perk as well! Let's have another Goat Hill adventure and play some more epically long games of pool.


UH-MAZING FOOD!!! I've eaten so many good things this year thanks to food adventures. Oh goodness... thank goodness I'm not a crazy picky eater anymore. Special trips to San Diego just to eat a Nacho Cheese Burger might be the greatest thing ever.




And really good beer! Lots of it. Too much sometimes. Thanks for all the foggy memories.

Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my brother and my amazing friends in downtown tomorrow. This is going to be a good weekend. Especially since Saturday is both Brian's Post Turkey Day party + an amazing birthday party. It's gonna be fun and fat, my two favorite things.

xx

ice wars.

Nights at Memphis in Santa Ana are never boring. Even when I try my best to be responsible and leave early, I somehow get talked into staying 2+ extra hours. My misadventures are always the best when it's just Johnny behind the bar & me sitting in my usual spot, and last night was no different. Ice wars, cookies, lots of whiskey, bathroom photo shoots, me laying on the floor somewhere in the bar at some point during the night, new friends, and of course old friends.

Thank goodness I live walking distance from Memphis... vehicles are not an option after a certain amount of hours down there.

xx