alone.

Candice Brown is a 24 SWF living in Santa Ana, Ca. She enjoys long nights at the bar, anything covered in cheese, and getting really nerdy tattoos.

I haven't felt comfortable being alone in awhile. Trust me, before I actually moved to Santa Ana life was great... except for the living in Garden Grove part. For the first time in a long time I was really happy being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry or answer to anyone. But as soon as I moved Downtown I met someone that changed that and set me back to some old habits.

While the summer was a lot of fun, actually the best summer I've had as an adult, going into fall was tough. And I started to not feel so independent anymore. I had someone to lean on when the shit hit the fan, and it was nice. But I didn't realize that when all that ended, when I really needed to be able to stand up on my own two feet, that I made myself so weak in the knees that I completely collapsed back into being a dependent needy girl.

How gross is that?

I'm not saying this process is going to be easy. I'm not saying I won't cry and punch walls and drink too much to kill some of the pain. All I can say is that I have an amazing support system of friends that will be there for me when times are tough. But at the same time I know that I can pick myself back up. I've done this before. I'm a strong gal.

As for this week, I've decided to take a break from the Downtown life. I need to get some things straight before my new roommate moves in at the beginning of February. I want to get a good amount of sleep at night and keep myself busy at work. Read more. Watch too much Rescue Me thanks to Netflix. And pretty much be okay with being alone.

It's not as sad as it sounds... I promise that there will be more crazy nights in my future. I can guarantee that.

xx

gal pal.

Do you know how incredibly lucky I am? I lucked up and somehow got the best friend a girl could possibly imagine. My love for Patty is immense. In the short time we've known each other we've both been through so many tough times... she's seen me at some of my lowest points this past year actually... and it only makes our friendship stronger.

We've been hanging out so much this past week and I feel like I've gotten to know her so much better! And when she had to go to Arizona with family last few days I missed her like whoa. Like whoa!

I've always had a tough time keeping girl friends. I'm so much more comfortable being one of the guys. My relationships with girls have always ended messy, or worse we just grow apart and never talk about it. For some reason it's so much easier for me to be vocal about my feelings with guys. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and the emotions are expected, but with girls I always feel like I have to be stronger and can't break down as easily.

But for the first time in a long time I feel like I have a strong female friend that I can be myself around. It's pretty awesome.



This is definitely going on the soundtrack of our friendship!

xx

goodness.

Can I just say how much I love Pandora? I've been obsessively listening to the Camera Obscura channel like a crack fiend all week, and this little song came on. Yes Pandora, you must know that the rain and songs about the new year and boys that make me think too much is EXACTLY what I was needing to hear right now. And as weird of a week as I've been having, I'm really happy and looking forward to the end of this month. This is mainly because I have a trip planned for February and I'm more than a little excited about it.

My big brother Dan has been living in San Francisco for 1 1/2 years now and I've yet to go visit him. I've never even been to SF! So with a little money I have coming my way in February, I'm going to be booking a flight and finally getting my butt up there. My whole trip is going to revolve around food, booze, and friends... and hopefully staying away from the internetz as much as possible. I'm also trying to coordinate with my friend that lives up there because I want to see his face like a lot. A lot a lot.

As for this fine evening in January, I'm going down to Memphis for a little PJ party with my friends. People are supposed to bring board games too. I volunteered to bring Harry Potter Scene It since that's the only one I own... but there's no DVD player at the bar PLUS I think everyone would be terrified of me kicking their ass. It's happened before. I think just having a Harry Potter tattoo qualifies me to win. Hmm...

This is why I love my neighborhood so much. Because I can go down to the bar, in my PJ's, and no one cares. Actually I get complimented on my comfort level. It's pretty rad. Thanks Santa Ana. You're pretty awesome!

xx

in.

Why oh why am I awake at 230am? I luckily don't have to work until 1245pm but still, I do have pastry business to take care of before I head to the real job.

Tonight I experienced something that I was afraid would never happen. It's so simple too, but for whatever reason I thought myself incapable of it. I hung out with my friends downtown... without going to the bar. We all just hung out at Patty's [in our pjs], watched Jersey Shore, smoked cigarettes, drank beer & ate pizza. I didn't get trashed. It actually was the most relaxed I've felt all week.

I hope this year consists of more evenings in with friends. Nothing beats trashy tv and amazing company.

And soon, very soon, I promise that I will have an epic Star Wars marathon with PBR & homemade pizza at my place. This will happen once my new roommate moves in and I'm very excited for it. And I know a few other people that will be equally as excited.

In OTHER very exciting news my friend Zuhair over at twohandsradio was kind enough to ask me to write a guest blog entry recapping my 2009. He said some amazingly nice things about me and it really made my day. You should check it out along with all the other awesome entries.

And whenever I think of Zuhair I think of cardigans and how badly I need a black one.



Old Navy [yes Old Navy...] is winning my heart over with these two. I think I might have to make a trip this weekend because it's been years since I've owned a proper black cardigan. And I swear if I find one I'll buy two!

I'm hoping these sleeping pills will kick in soon and I'll be able to dream of being surrounded in piles of black cardigans and cold pizza. Life could be worse.

xx

mail.

Who doesn't like to get mail? I mean, other than bills, getting a package in the mail is one of the raddest things to happen to someone. Or at least I think so. Maybe this is because I don't get packages very often, so when I do it's a really special thing.

This is for my friend that lives just far enough away that I can totally justify sending a package to him. I'm hoping that it will bring him a little bit of joy, maybe some laughs, and a lot of ear-happiness!

This week has been tough so far, but I'm having high hopes going into the weekend. I just finished 6 dozen peanut butter cups for an order that's due Saturday. They're pretty delicious and I'm really happy with how they came out. I even have a little bit of the filling left so if I luck up and have a free moment tomorrow I think I'll make a few for my friends that never got to have them at The Box Gallery opening I catered.

I'm doing my best to stay a bit boring the rest of the week. Concentrate on finishing this order. Go to work and be as productive as possible. And get just enough sleep, not the comas I've been falling into lately. I will tell you it's hard to be boring when you live downtown because I can hear everything going on just outside my window. Maybe I should invest in some cheap earplugs or better headphones.

Well I can hear the post office & work calling my name. Another day another dolla!

xx