control.

I have control issues. Like whoa. I'll do just about anything to gain back some kind of control in my life when things get turned upside down. Some of these things are healthy [treadmill, reading, having a 12 hour LOTR marathon, turning my phone on silent at the end of the night]... others are not so much [like I'm gonna list them!].

But I really need to work on this year letting that go. I know I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can control how I react to things though. The old Candice usually chooses to react badly and thinks another shot of Jager at the bar will fix things. The NEW Candice [the one I'm working on right now] is thinking differently. I know this is a journey for me from my old ways, but I really have faith that I can do it. That I can grow up and move on and LET IT GO.

I'm not sure why but whenever I think of my control issues "The Conductor" by The Faint comes into my head... the Thin White Duke remix. If you've heard it you'll know what I mean, if you haven't then go here and listen to it.

In the meantime I'm totally obsessed with Hello Saferide. I don't know how many times I've listened to Introducing... Hello Saferide in the past few days. It's probably because she makes me wish I was a Swedish Indie Pop Star and could write songs like this...

survey.

I like survey's because they give me something to write about when I don't know what to say. And I like Zuhair! So I stole this from him. You should read his blog. It's made of all sorts of awesome.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I didn't make any resolutions because I know myself and I never would have kept it. Call it boredom or ADD or the fact that I know everything changes.

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more sober nights and more pastries!

What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 5th - first elite event + meeting CH + first trip to Memphis
May 16th - catering The Box Gallery
July 8th - bacon maples bars
September 28th - my birthday was pretty awesome
December 31st - hazy but best NYE ever

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I sprained my ankle outside Memphis in March which sucked but I still made it to Art Walk that Saturday... I am a trooper!

What was the best thing you bought?
my new glasses? haha I don't really know. I spent most of my money on amazing food & drinks.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, booze, billz

What did you get really, really excited about?
lushpastries.com

What songs will always remind you of 2009?






How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent 1/2 the day with my real family and 1/2 the day with my Santa Ana family. It was the best xmas a girl could ask for.

What was your favorite TV program?
LOST + Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives

What was the best book you read?
Paper Towns by John Green [I think it was one of the only books I finished, 2010 needs to get my nose back into books]

What was your favourite film of this year?
500 days of summer... go ahead, call me a girl! but don't call me a hipster!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
black, ballet flats, comfortable

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tina Fey [Zuhair & I are on the same page] and Joel McHale

What political issue stirred you the most?
prop 8, the economy, i should really read a newspaper sometime...

Who did you miss?
old friends I've lost connection with, but I gained the raddest friends a mortal could ask for

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Damn! I wish I was a lesbian
Damn! I wish I was a lesbian
Damn! I wish I was, and that you were, too
So I could fall in love with you

- Hello Saferide "My Best Friend"

It's mostly for Patty, but she is my Ellen!

Stay tuned because Patty & I are hopefully going to be starting a collaboration blog in the next few weeks. I'm pretty excited about this.

xx

chance.

They play some crummy music at F&E which makes work tough sometimes, but every once in a while this song comes on and it makes me too happy.

The last few days have made me really happy for second chances. And for the internet on my phone. And more sober nights than blackouts.

Yesterday was Johnny's birthday and since he had to work at Memphis everyone just ended up going there to hang out with him. Well I'm pretty sure we'd all be there anyways, but his birthday was a plus. I baked him some cookies, white chocolate chip with almonds & a grand marnier glaze. Now I know I can bake, and that my flavors are usually pretty good, but even I thought these cookies came out really good. He actually ended up telling me, along with random strangers at the bar that he passed cookies out to, that in 33 years on earth they were the best cookies he's ever had. That's a pretty heavy compliment. And I'm gonna take that as a jumping off point for this year in my baking escapades. I just need some pictures of them, which means I need to steal a camera from BBF for a proper cookie photo shoot. And I need to add them to the website.

Today's my FULL day off, otherwise all weekend I only work until 11am. So I'm gonna be a bit lazy today and enjoy my bed & Rescue Me Season 2, and I'm gonna work on this mix that is just having me stumped. I just need to find the right first song and I think it will all come together from that.

It's gonna be a good friday I do believe.

xx

retrospect.

5 days into 2010 and I'm pretty pleased so far. Besides this awesome cold that popped up yesterday. But as much as I'm happy to look into the future, I just want to look back on 2009 for one last moment. Like saying goodbye to a shitty friend that you're still nice to whenever they call because you had some good times together.

Trust me, a year ago I never would have dreamed I'd be living in Downtown Santa Ana, that I would have as many friends as I do, and that my whole world would be turned completely upside down because of a silly website called yelp.

March changed everything. I finally got that second job I'd been needing and for once would be paying for all my bills on my own. A week before I started at Fresh & Easy I went to my first yelp elite event at Grand Central in Santa Ana. There I met my lovely friend Christopher Hall, who really changed my life by asking me to join him for a drink at Memphis. I met Johnny that night, and I'm sure a few other people in my drunken haze, but by meeting CH I felt more welcome than anywhere I'd ever been before. I slowly started to drag friends to Memphis with me on Johnny nights, until one night after a long day at Disneyland, I needed a drink. I decided to venture to Memphis on my own, and that was the best decision I've ever made. I met a ton of people, hung out with Johnny, and had a blast. After that I didn't need anyone to go with me because I was quickly making new friends [and a new family] in SA.

CH introduced me to my awesome friend Nicole in April and we hit it off right away. She talked Chris & Johnny into letting me cater a gallery opening, which got lush pastries off the ground. I catered a show for Joseph Hawa at The Box Gallery and it was one of the best experiences, even though it was completely nerve wrecking. But I learned that the nerves are a good thing. They make you want to be better.

Soon enough I decided it would be best to get out of Garden Grove and actually move Downtown. Right after I moved I ended up making one of the best friends I've ever come across. I swear he's my other half. My bacon best friend. I knew Andy from the bar for months, and we'd talk and drink, but it was always just bar talk. One night I decided that he shouldn't drive home and brought him back to my place to sober up. We talked until 5am. Who knew that we would hit it off so well? It's fate I guess. And even though in the following months we had our share of ups and downs, it has somehow made me a better person. And probably a more sober person now. I don't know how I drank so much sometimes! He's a great friend and I'm happy that I found him somehow. Our friendship transcends language and time zones and miles and sobriety.

Another amazing amazing friend I met thanks to Downtown is my Patty. She's one of my best friends, probably the closest girlfriend I have at the moment, and I love her every single day more & more. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time that I know we'll be friends for the long run. I'm lucky because she just lives upstairs and I can call on her anytime I need someone to listen to my drama or just grab a sandwich with me from Subway. She makes it easy to be myself and not worry what other people think. And I know no matter what, she's loves me. And you really can't buy that kind of love... sometimes you just luck up and find it at the bar.

I got my heart broken worse than ever before this year, and now that it's finally healing I'm feeling more like myself again. It's a refreshing way to start a new year. And as much as I try not to regret things, there are some things that I wish I could have changed. But I'm hoping that this will only make me into a more conscious person. More aware that I'm hurting others or hurting myself.

So thanks 2009 for teaching me a lesson or two about life. You gave me hope that I'm not a total loser, and actually I'm a pretty awesome person. You got me to be brave and try so many new things. But you also kicked my ass [it was deserved at times].

I'm going to get back to making a mix cd for someone that may never hear it, and that's okay, cause it's probably more for me anyway. Sometimes I just need to get stuff out of my system, even if it's just in the form of some silly music from my not so huge playlist.

xx

nye.

Thanks to my 2nd family for making 2009 end with a bang! [and even a split rib...]

xx