BAMF.

Sometimes I pretend to be badass. And sometimes I do things that are actually badass. I think this qualifies me as being a BAMF.

wander.

So in less than an hour I'll be on my way to Sid's to get my chest piece done. Oh man! I'm so nervous! I'm excited, but freaking out at the same time. I couldn't get anyone to go with me, which is fine, but it would be nice to have a little bit of support when Bill's jabbing at me with needles for the next few hours. I can't believe what a total nerd I am to actually be getting a huge Lord of the Rings tattoo. I think this is going to motivate me into reading the books again right now. Ugh so much to read, and so little time. I'm still working on HP for my 7th re-read.

Ahhh well I'm sure I have enough vitamin water to get me through the process. And cigarettes. And I just ate a big bowl of mac n cheese so hopefully the carbs will help out too.

Yay for new pretty ink! I'm sure I'll have some kind of pictures to post in the next few days of it.

xx

hopefully.

cakespy.com is all sorts of amazing.

I really think I want to get a few of those guys tattooed on me! Would fit in perfectly with my baking/food sleeve.

So it's raining again, and after a really emotional morning, I'm feeling a lot better to have cried it all out. [And now it seems like the sky is crying, so maybe I won't have to anymore.] I went and got my hair cut for the first time in almost 3 months. Oh goodness was it needed. Thanks to my lovely friend Nicole at Splitends I don't look like a mess anymore.

I have a sinking feeling that this week is going to be a messy one for me, so the lack of alcohol and social settings that I'll be involving myself in will probably be a good thing. It's just amazing how quickly and seamlessly things can change without you even knowing. And once you realize it's out of your control, it's a bit refreshing yet completely heartbreaking at the same time. I know I cannot change anyone's mind about a situation, they are going to make their own decisions, I just hope that it will turn out to be for the best in the end. Right now I'm not too positive about this situation, I'm actually sad and angry and confused all wrapped up in one, but like I said it's out of my control.

I'm such a fixer, when things go bad I want to find a solution as quickly as possible. But for once in my life I know there's nothing I can do to repair a broken friendship if both parties aren't willing. I can't help but question the last year and I wonder if every good time & bad time was worth it, especially if we're not going to end up being friends in the end. What was I fighting for this whole time? But I have to remind myself about all the times he's made me laugh, and all the stupid inside jokes we collected. How we practically had our own language. And how for the first time in a long time I felt like someone really understood the real me. But times get tough and not everything is supposed to last I suppose. Maybe we'll get back on the same page someday. Maybe I won't be sad forever, or at least feel like I'm going to be. And hopefully someday soon he'll make me laugh again like that first night we hung out & stayed up talking until 5am. I do have hope that it will happen. It might be the only thing that's keeping me going.

And one day soon I'll have a bacon cupcake party, and bitter Candice will be gone, and it will be delicious and awesome.

xx

alone.

Candice Brown is a 24 SWF living in Santa Ana, Ca. She enjoys long nights at the bar, anything covered in cheese, and getting really nerdy tattoos.

I haven't felt comfortable being alone in awhile. Trust me, before I actually moved to Santa Ana life was great... except for the living in Garden Grove part. For the first time in a long time I was really happy being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry or answer to anyone. But as soon as I moved Downtown I met someone that changed that and set me back to some old habits.

While the summer was a lot of fun, actually the best summer I've had as an adult, going into fall was tough. And I started to not feel so independent anymore. I had someone to lean on when the shit hit the fan, and it was nice. But I didn't realize that when all that ended, when I really needed to be able to stand up on my own two feet, that I made myself so weak in the knees that I completely collapsed back into being a dependent needy girl.

How gross is that?

I'm not saying this process is going to be easy. I'm not saying I won't cry and punch walls and drink too much to kill some of the pain. All I can say is that I have an amazing support system of friends that will be there for me when times are tough. But at the same time I know that I can pick myself back up. I've done this before. I'm a strong gal.

As for this week, I've decided to take a break from the Downtown life. I need to get some things straight before my new roommate moves in at the beginning of February. I want to get a good amount of sleep at night and keep myself busy at work. Read more. Watch too much Rescue Me thanks to Netflix. And pretty much be okay with being alone.

It's not as sad as it sounds... I promise that there will be more crazy nights in my future. I can guarantee that.

xx

gal pal.

Do you know how incredibly lucky I am? I lucked up and somehow got the best friend a girl could possibly imagine. My love for Patty is immense. In the short time we've known each other we've both been through so many tough times... she's seen me at some of my lowest points this past year actually... and it only makes our friendship stronger.

We've been hanging out so much this past week and I feel like I've gotten to know her so much better! And when she had to go to Arizona with family last few days I missed her like whoa. Like whoa!

I've always had a tough time keeping girl friends. I'm so much more comfortable being one of the guys. My relationships with girls have always ended messy, or worse we just grow apart and never talk about it. For some reason it's so much easier for me to be vocal about my feelings with guys. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and the emotions are expected, but with girls I always feel like I have to be stronger and can't break down as easily.

But for the first time in a long time I feel like I have a strong female friend that I can be myself around. It's pretty awesome.



This is definitely going on the soundtrack of our friendship!

xx

goodness.

Can I just say how much I love Pandora? I've been obsessively listening to the Camera Obscura channel like a crack fiend all week, and this little song came on. Yes Pandora, you must know that the rain and songs about the new year and boys that make me think too much is EXACTLY what I was needing to hear right now. And as weird of a week as I've been having, I'm really happy and looking forward to the end of this month. This is mainly because I have a trip planned for February and I'm more than a little excited about it.

My big brother Dan has been living in San Francisco for 1 1/2 years now and I've yet to go visit him. I've never even been to SF! So with a little money I have coming my way in February, I'm going to be booking a flight and finally getting my butt up there. My whole trip is going to revolve around food, booze, and friends... and hopefully staying away from the internetz as much as possible. I'm also trying to coordinate with my friend that lives up there because I want to see his face like a lot. A lot a lot.

As for this fine evening in January, I'm going down to Memphis for a little PJ party with my friends. People are supposed to bring board games too. I volunteered to bring Harry Potter Scene It since that's the only one I own... but there's no DVD player at the bar PLUS I think everyone would be terrified of me kicking their ass. It's happened before. I think just having a Harry Potter tattoo qualifies me to win. Hmm...

This is why I love my neighborhood so much. Because I can go down to the bar, in my PJ's, and no one cares. Actually I get complimented on my comfort level. It's pretty rad. Thanks Santa Ana. You're pretty awesome!

xx

in.

Why oh why am I awake at 230am? I luckily don't have to work until 1245pm but still, I do have pastry business to take care of before I head to the real job.

Tonight I experienced something that I was afraid would never happen. It's so simple too, but for whatever reason I thought myself incapable of it. I hung out with my friends downtown... without going to the bar. We all just hung out at Patty's [in our pjs], watched Jersey Shore, smoked cigarettes, drank beer & ate pizza. I didn't get trashed. It actually was the most relaxed I've felt all week.

I hope this year consists of more evenings in with friends. Nothing beats trashy tv and amazing company.

And soon, very soon, I promise that I will have an epic Star Wars marathon with PBR & homemade pizza at my place. This will happen once my new roommate moves in and I'm very excited for it. And I know a few other people that will be equally as excited.

In OTHER very exciting news my friend Zuhair over at twohandsradio was kind enough to ask me to write a guest blog entry recapping my 2009. He said some amazingly nice things about me and it really made my day. You should check it out along with all the other awesome entries.

And whenever I think of Zuhair I think of cardigans and how badly I need a black one.



Old Navy [yes Old Navy...] is winning my heart over with these two. I think I might have to make a trip this weekend because it's been years since I've owned a proper black cardigan. And I swear if I find one I'll buy two!

I'm hoping these sleeping pills will kick in soon and I'll be able to dream of being surrounded in piles of black cardigans and cold pizza. Life could be worse.

xx

mail.

Who doesn't like to get mail? I mean, other than bills, getting a package in the mail is one of the raddest things to happen to someone. Or at least I think so. Maybe this is because I don't get packages very often, so when I do it's a really special thing.

This is for my friend that lives just far enough away that I can totally justify sending a package to him. I'm hoping that it will bring him a little bit of joy, maybe some laughs, and a lot of ear-happiness!

This week has been tough so far, but I'm having high hopes going into the weekend. I just finished 6 dozen peanut butter cups for an order that's due Saturday. They're pretty delicious and I'm really happy with how they came out. I even have a little bit of the filling left so if I luck up and have a free moment tomorrow I think I'll make a few for my friends that never got to have them at The Box Gallery opening I catered.

I'm doing my best to stay a bit boring the rest of the week. Concentrate on finishing this order. Go to work and be as productive as possible. And get just enough sleep, not the comas I've been falling into lately. I will tell you it's hard to be boring when you live downtown because I can hear everything going on just outside my window. Maybe I should invest in some cheap earplugs or better headphones.

Well I can hear the post office & work calling my name. Another day another dolla!

xx

control.

I have control issues. Like whoa. I'll do just about anything to gain back some kind of control in my life when things get turned upside down. Some of these things are healthy [treadmill, reading, having a 12 hour LOTR marathon, turning my phone on silent at the end of the night]... others are not so much [like I'm gonna list them!].

But I really need to work on this year letting that go. I know I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can control how I react to things though. The old Candice usually chooses to react badly and thinks another shot of Jager at the bar will fix things. The NEW Candice [the one I'm working on right now] is thinking differently. I know this is a journey for me from my old ways, but I really have faith that I can do it. That I can grow up and move on and LET IT GO.

I'm not sure why but whenever I think of my control issues "The Conductor" by The Faint comes into my head... the Thin White Duke remix. If you've heard it you'll know what I mean, if you haven't then go here and listen to it.

In the meantime I'm totally obsessed with Hello Saferide. I don't know how many times I've listened to Introducing... Hello Saferide in the past few days. It's probably because she makes me wish I was a Swedish Indie Pop Star and could write songs like this...

survey.

I like survey's because they give me something to write about when I don't know what to say. And I like Zuhair! So I stole this from him. You should read his blog. It's made of all sorts of awesome.

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year I didn't make any resolutions because I know myself and I never would have kept it. Call it boredom or ADD or the fact that I know everything changes.

What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
more sober nights and more pastries!

What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 5th - first elite event + meeting CH + first trip to Memphis
May 16th - catering The Box Gallery
July 8th - bacon maples bars
September 28th - my birthday was pretty awesome
December 31st - hazy but best NYE ever

Did you suffer illness or injury?
I sprained my ankle outside Memphis in March which sucked but I still made it to Art Walk that Saturday... I am a trooper!

What was the best thing you bought?
my new glasses? haha I don't really know. I spent most of my money on amazing food & drinks.

Where did most of your money go?
Food, booze, billz

What did you get really, really excited about?
lushpastries.com

What songs will always remind you of 2009?






How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent 1/2 the day with my real family and 1/2 the day with my Santa Ana family. It was the best xmas a girl could ask for.

What was your favorite TV program?
LOST + Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives

What was the best book you read?
Paper Towns by John Green [I think it was one of the only books I finished, 2010 needs to get my nose back into books]

What was your favourite film of this year?
500 days of summer... go ahead, call me a girl! but don't call me a hipster!

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
black, ballet flats, comfortable

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tina Fey [Zuhair & I are on the same page] and Joel McHale

What political issue stirred you the most?
prop 8, the economy, i should really read a newspaper sometime...

Who did you miss?
old friends I've lost connection with, but I gained the raddest friends a mortal could ask for

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Damn! I wish I was a lesbian
Damn! I wish I was a lesbian
Damn! I wish I was, and that you were, too
So I could fall in love with you

- Hello Saferide "My Best Friend"

It's mostly for Patty, but she is my Ellen!

Stay tuned because Patty & I are hopefully going to be starting a collaboration blog in the next few weeks. I'm pretty excited about this.

xx

chance.

They play some crummy music at F&E which makes work tough sometimes, but every once in a while this song comes on and it makes me too happy.

The last few days have made me really happy for second chances. And for the internet on my phone. And more sober nights than blackouts.

Yesterday was Johnny's birthday and since he had to work at Memphis everyone just ended up going there to hang out with him. Well I'm pretty sure we'd all be there anyways, but his birthday was a plus. I baked him some cookies, white chocolate chip with almonds & a grand marnier glaze. Now I know I can bake, and that my flavors are usually pretty good, but even I thought these cookies came out really good. He actually ended up telling me, along with random strangers at the bar that he passed cookies out to, that in 33 years on earth they were the best cookies he's ever had. That's a pretty heavy compliment. And I'm gonna take that as a jumping off point for this year in my baking escapades. I just need some pictures of them, which means I need to steal a camera from BBF for a proper cookie photo shoot. And I need to add them to the website.

Today's my FULL day off, otherwise all weekend I only work until 11am. So I'm gonna be a bit lazy today and enjoy my bed & Rescue Me Season 2, and I'm gonna work on this mix that is just having me stumped. I just need to find the right first song and I think it will all come together from that.

It's gonna be a good friday I do believe.

xx

retrospect.

5 days into 2010 and I'm pretty pleased so far. Besides this awesome cold that popped up yesterday. But as much as I'm happy to look into the future, I just want to look back on 2009 for one last moment. Like saying goodbye to a shitty friend that you're still nice to whenever they call because you had some good times together.

Trust me, a year ago I never would have dreamed I'd be living in Downtown Santa Ana, that I would have as many friends as I do, and that my whole world would be turned completely upside down because of a silly website called yelp.

March changed everything. I finally got that second job I'd been needing and for once would be paying for all my bills on my own. A week before I started at Fresh & Easy I went to my first yelp elite event at Grand Central in Santa Ana. There I met my lovely friend Christopher Hall, who really changed my life by asking me to join him for a drink at Memphis. I met Johnny that night, and I'm sure a few other people in my drunken haze, but by meeting CH I felt more welcome than anywhere I'd ever been before. I slowly started to drag friends to Memphis with me on Johnny nights, until one night after a long day at Disneyland, I needed a drink. I decided to venture to Memphis on my own, and that was the best decision I've ever made. I met a ton of people, hung out with Johnny, and had a blast. After that I didn't need anyone to go with me because I was quickly making new friends [and a new family] in SA.

CH introduced me to my awesome friend Nicole in April and we hit it off right away. She talked Chris & Johnny into letting me cater a gallery opening, which got lush pastries off the ground. I catered a show for Joseph Hawa at The Box Gallery and it was one of the best experiences, even though it was completely nerve wrecking. But I learned that the nerves are a good thing. They make you want to be better.

Soon enough I decided it would be best to get out of Garden Grove and actually move Downtown. Right after I moved I ended up making one of the best friends I've ever come across. I swear he's my other half. My bacon best friend. I knew Andy from the bar for months, and we'd talk and drink, but it was always just bar talk. One night I decided that he shouldn't drive home and brought him back to my place to sober up. We talked until 5am. Who knew that we would hit it off so well? It's fate I guess. And even though in the following months we had our share of ups and downs, it has somehow made me a better person. And probably a more sober person now. I don't know how I drank so much sometimes! He's a great friend and I'm happy that I found him somehow. Our friendship transcends language and time zones and miles and sobriety.

Another amazing amazing friend I met thanks to Downtown is my Patty. She's one of my best friends, probably the closest girlfriend I have at the moment, and I love her every single day more & more. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time that I know we'll be friends for the long run. I'm lucky because she just lives upstairs and I can call on her anytime I need someone to listen to my drama or just grab a sandwich with me from Subway. She makes it easy to be myself and not worry what other people think. And I know no matter what, she's loves me. And you really can't buy that kind of love... sometimes you just luck up and find it at the bar.

I got my heart broken worse than ever before this year, and now that it's finally healing I'm feeling more like myself again. It's a refreshing way to start a new year. And as much as I try not to regret things, there are some things that I wish I could have changed. But I'm hoping that this will only make me into a more conscious person. More aware that I'm hurting others or hurting myself.

So thanks 2009 for teaching me a lesson or two about life. You gave me hope that I'm not a total loser, and actually I'm a pretty awesome person. You got me to be brave and try so many new things. But you also kicked my ass [it was deserved at times].

I'm going to get back to making a mix cd for someone that may never hear it, and that's okay, cause it's probably more for me anyway. Sometimes I just need to get stuff out of my system, even if it's just in the form of some silly music from my not so huge playlist.

xx

nye.

Thanks to my 2nd family for making 2009 end with a bang! [and even a split rib...]

xx

2010.

Are we really in a new decade? Madness. Last night could not have been any more amazing than it was. I'm such a lucky girl and after a really crazy year it ended on such a high note. Pictures will be posted as soon as they start popping up on FB. Until then...

Happy New Year kids!