tried.

i really thought that he would be there for me today. especially since he knew i was going to have such a rough night at work. but no. i'm assuming he got stoned and passed out as usual.

i know it's a stupid "holiday" and all, but i thought having a boyfriend meant you at least tried on days like this. i tried. even after working almost 15 hours. he failed.

unsure.

The bear and I had our worst first since October last night. It escalated so quickly, and was over something so dumb that I'm finding myself get angrier and angrier as the day goes by. I guess we're okay right now, and I'm trying to play things down and not lecture him right now about how much he hurt me. That conversation can be had at a later date when the dust has settled.

It's just hard when someone makes you feel like they won't break your heart, and then they rip it apart so easily. He actually did rip his Kindle in half, and while I watch it happen, I could feel the pain growing more and more inside me. The words he said while this was happening was below the belt. I know that I'm an overly sensitive person, but it's worse when it comes from someone you love.

I stayed up most of the night crying and writing him a letter that I'm not sure if I can even give him. I haven't reread it yet today because I know it says a lot of honest things that I might not want to remind myself with.

I'm such a ball of confusion right now. I don't know whether to be angry or sad. And the only way I can think to do is listen to music that feels the same pain I'm feeling right now.

I'm supposed to be going to his house for dinner in about an hour, and I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I'd much rather stay at home, listening to music, and drinking cheap beer. But alas, I am out of beer, and I don't want to make matters worse by not going. The truth is I'm going more for his sister than him. She's such a great gal, and I really like her a lot, and it was more her inviting me than him, so I feel obligated to not be a dick to her.

So for the next hour I'm gonna continue to listen to sad music and actually feel what I need to feel. I know that's sad and unhealthy, but if I don't do it now, I'll never give myself that chance.









xx

hopefully.

I got a phone call tonight from the chef at a new restaurant that's opening across the street from my place. Thanks to the lovely networking of my friends in this neighborhood, they got my resume and it's being passed along to the Pastry Chef. I'm hoping this brings an interview and job offer along because I'm really over the bakery I'm at currently. I've been there almost a year, and I've pretty much reached the highest position I can be in... which is funny because it's the same position I started in.

Today I stayed home from work because I woke up to my head pounding. I'm sure it's all the stress I'm putting myself under, feeling exhausted, and just not taking proper care of myself. The lazy day was needed, but I'm still feeling a bit "bleh" inside. Maybe it has something to do with my picking fights with the bear the last few days. There's no reason for them, I'm just feeling selfish and needy.

In all honesty, all I want right now is a big cup of frozen yogurt, a good documentary [or possible some Pawn Stars], and him. Instead, I'm in bed alone, playing Word Feud on my phone, and writing here.

I don't like acting like a crazy female, because I know that's how I'm acting. Hormones just suck and I can't do anything about that.

I'm lucky, I have a great guy that still cares about me no matter how silly I'm acting. But I shouldn't have to put him through that. I shouldn't act like a bitch towards my friends when they just want to hang out with me and I'm being surly. I really need to either be alone for awhile, or suck it up and get over myself.

Things are gonna get better. I have to believe that. This phone call tonight proves that, because I really never expected any response. I'm so ready for that next step in my life. I'm ready to get over my insecurities and just accept for once that people really do love and care about me when they say they do.

Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Or actually ride my bike somewhere. Getting out and doing something might be a bit more helpful for me these days. Or maybe I just need a beer and to get more sleep.

Meh.

new.

happy new year.

it's been quite awhile since i wrote on here. but i can't sleep right now. i've been having a really odd week, and the bear has been so nice and patient with me. it's so nice that we've been together for over 4 months now, but goodness does it feel a lot longer. we had a great holiday season, and got to spend time with both our families. but the reality of going back to work and back to real life has made me cranky and even a bit depressed.

i want to have a normal schedule. i'm applying for jobs in the administrative field. plus the bakery i'm still working out is stressing me out beyond belief. it's hard to work 60 hours a week, have a relationship, have friendships, make time to take care of my responsibilities, as well as making time to relax and decompress. i'm wound pretty tight, and it really takes a toll on the work i produce and my personal life. so trying to find that balance again has been difficult, but i'm sure i'll get there. i don't have a full day off until the 17th, so that'll have me working about 15 days without a break. so lame.

i just have to believe that all this hard work will pay off in the end. that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. and that one day [hopefully soon] i'll have a job that works with my life and vice versa.

until then i'm gonna try to release some stress, get some sleep, and hopefully get back to "normal".

xx

SF.

I'm heading to San Francisco this afternoon to spend the whole weekend with my brother. I'm so excited for this little vacation. I do wish the bear was coming with me, but next time. :]

All I can think of is this song, and how excited I am to walk everywhere!



I just need to charge my camera batteries, finish laundry & packing, and run to the bank. The bear is dropping me off at the airport around 3pm for my 5pm flight. I can't believe this trip is happening today! Seriously, the time between booking the flight and today went by so fast.

Well I hope everyone out there has a wonderful weekend. I'm gonna do my best to stay off the internet as much as possible, and just enjoy the city and the people I'm with.

xx

return.

Less than a week until SF! I can't wait to visit my brother, and hopefully fall in love with a new city.

Now I'm laying in bed, trying to get myself up and showered so I can return to my full time work load. It was nice having a week off from the morning job [thanks thanksgiving], and it's definitely going to be weird going back today. Not something I'm really looking forward to obviously.

Oh life, you're never dull, that's for sure.

fail.

this is how i feel tonight.

believe.

It's really amazing to me how much things have changed in the past few months. The bear & I have been through some crazy shit ever since we started dating. And for us only being together a little over 2 months, it feels like SO much longer. I question about things moving too fast, but this is different. It doesn't feel like the lustful, head in the clouds, kind of relationship. The things we've been through have been real adult issues, and the fact that we've been able to get through them fine gives me so much hope for the future.

He's starting to apply for jobs now, since he's just been a student ever since he got out of the military a year ago. And since he's applying for jobs outside of Orange County, we've had to discuss our options. Without any doubt, he's told me that he wants me to move with him if he does get a job outside OC. This is exciting and nerve wrecking for me. The idea of finally getting out of OC is great, especially since I've been wanting to make the move for quite some time. But is this too soon? Am I rushing into something?

Just the fact that I've had him tell me that he wants to take care of me, he wants to make enough money so I don't have to work 2 jobs anymore; this is just so new to me. I've been independent for so long, but at the same time he really does make me want to trust someone to care for me.

I can envision this future. I can see how great it would be. And I'm more happy than nervous at the thought of us going and starting a life together. I guess it's more the thought in the back of my head... what's everyone else going to think? This is terrible, because it's not their life and my true friends will be supportive of me. But at the same time, I understand why people would be concerned.

I know this is a lot to think about when he doesn't even have the job yet. And that I'll cross that bridge when I get there. There's just so much going through my head, and it's really been a long and strange day, that of course I'm over thinking it.

At the end of the day, him & I will end up where we need to be at the right time. I believe that. Everything really does happen for a reason.

-----

Besides all the business that's been going on, I've been working and still getting over my illness. I'm feeling quite a lot better, so much so that bear & I went out in LBC last night. It was a nice change of scenery, but man is it so much easier to drop money when there's cover charges on top of drinks. I'm pretty spoiled in Santa Ana.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I took today off because we had a car issue this morning that left both of us a little shaken up. Lucky for me, my manager was really understanding, as well as my coworkers.

At least I do get to sleep in tomorrow, then go make some delicious cupcakes, and come home to crash by 9pm. Next week is going to be very long since I'll be working at least 7 days in a row. Let's just hope that nothing else exciting happens tomorrow. I'm looking for a nice boring, work filled week.

So good night. I hope to pass out to the sweet bass of Proof Bar coming through my window.

xx

good.

Life has been so good to me lately, despite being totally sick for the last month. I'm finally getting over this terrible cold that I've had. It took me finally giving in and going to the doctor, taking some time off work, and actually resting for once. The only thing I have left is my cough, but hopefully that will be gone by next week.

The bear and I have been doing so well lately. We had a really great weekend of dancing, drinking, documentarying... yeah, new word. And tomorrow night is date night, which includes Due Date and sleepovers. I'm so happy to be able to sleep in Thursday & Friday thanks to Veterans Day + working for the school district. Yay for being paid to not go to work. And since the bear is a Vet, Thursday we're gonna go try to get some free food deals for his service to this country.

The whole way home from work tonight, all I wanted to do was listen to "Home" by LCD Soundsystem. It just seemed fitting. Even after going out and grabbing drinks with coworkers after we were off work, I still couldn't wait to come home. I've seen such a change in myself over the last few months. It's not that I don't want to go out anymore, I'm just enjoying my quite time at home more and more. It probably has a lot to do with me being sick too. I just have so much going on, and I'm trying to save money for my trip to San Francisco at the beginning of December, that the idea of being home in my pajamas seems so much more enticing than being out/being blacked out.

I'm sure I'll return to my previously scheduled drunken Candice soon enough. She does usually pop her curly head out every few weeks. But until then...



xx

fresh.

I'm thinking about restarting this blog, or just starting up a new one. One that I can follow under a different format.

Not that I don't like this blog, but I touched on some personal stuff in the past, that is really not a part of who I am now. And even though those things did help me become who I am today, they're not things I'm going to be referencing all the time.

So a fresh start is what I need. Details will be coming soon. And hopefully those of you following me here will start following me in my new endeavor as well.

xx

sober.

I've been sober for the last 5 days. I don't know the last time I was sober for so long. It's brought some much needed clarity to my life, and the fact that I haven't been craving alcohol is also a good sign. It's not like I'm drunk all the time, but having at least a beer a day has been part of my normal routine for a while now.

I'm not really sure when I'm gonna drink again. Could be tomorrow, seeing as the bear and I are going out. But I also want to prove to myself that I can go out, not drink, and still have a good time. Also not being hungover the next morning would be nice as well.

I've really needed to be on my A game this week, I have too much going on, and too many long days. But I'm really looking forward to having Sunday off, and hopefully an adventure with my boy.

Sleep is something that should be happening right now. I guess I should actually give that a try. Hmph.

xx

weird.

Consoling your heartbreaker about their recent heartbreak is the weirdest thing ever. But apparently I have a motherly side somewhere in my body.

official.

[source]

So Bear & I made it official in a bit of a drunken haze last night. It was nice waking up next to him this morning, and I'm looking forward to many more mornings like that. Hopefully not all of them will involve me having to go to work at 830am though.

Besides my glee of getting to change my FB status and profess to the internet world how happy I am right now, I'm also getting things done around the house today. I cleaned up the kitchen, and am in the middle of doing the bit of laundry I have. Then later tonight is dinner with my Patty for her birthday.

I also ran across this fantastic blog called DEVIATED. Definitely something worth following.


[source]

Well now I'm off to spend hopefully the rest of the day away from the internet, and maybe even go try on some TOMS shoes that I'll be able to finally get with my next paycheck. Thank goodness for a full paycheck and a last minute baking order for this weekend. This little lady sure needed some funds.

xx

exhausted.

This has been such an incredibly long week, and tomorrow will be my 7th of probably 15 days in a row I'll be working. And even though it's only 1/2 day of work for me tomorrow, it's still an 8 hour shift and that sucks. I'm a little tired of cupcakes at this point.

The boy [we'll call him Bear] is doing good. And him & I are doing good. I'm trying my best to not over think everything, but it's my nature. He's really accepting of who I am, and where I'm wanting to go, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is annoying because all I've wanted was to be happy.. and I am! But I'm over thinking it rather than just living in it. Oh well, he's pretty rad, and I'm really happy, so I should just get over it and accept that I deserve someone that doesn't make me feel like shit for once.

Bear's gonna meet Patty on Monday finally, which I'm jazzed about! I'm taking them out to dinner for Patty's birthday, which should be fun and fatty.

And next week is my favorite holiday... actually probably the only holiday I really enjoy. [This may be because I'm selfish.] I turn the awesome age of 25 on the 28th of this month. It should be a really fun birthday. Plus I took time off work to fully enjoy it. Booze and food and friends. I'm gonna run around DTSA and act a fool all night.

I don't think I realized how incredibly exhausted I was until I crawled into bed. So now I'm gonna go read, and probably fall asleep about 1/2 way through the first page. Tomorrow is going to be full of more cupcakes... along with this whole week. On top of work I'm making birthday cupcakes for my cousin. Goodness. I swear I do find time to sleep, even if it's not as much as I would like.

xx

sick.

Best 2nd date I've ever had. Even though I'm totally bummed that this charming man had to spend all day in ICU because of a flu gone terribly wrong, we still made the best of it.

This weekend will be full of cupcakes, pizza, back to the future, and pajama parties.

xx

woo.

I'm smitten and it feels so good. I'm not even gonna bother second guessing it, because that never gets me anywhere.

And I'm actually losing my voice because we've spent the last 3 days talking for hours on end.

Who knew a guy that I've been chatting with sporadically for a few months would turn out to be such a rad guy that I totally click with? I'm so excited to see where this all goes. And to have more conversations until 7am. And more beer, and food, and grocery store dates.

Besides this whole smitten thing, I'm exhausted and enthralled with work. Long days are never fun, but it keeps me busy and I'm back to making the money I've been missing. I'm trying to find time to read and catch up on TV, but it's hard. I really need to reread the Harry Potter series before the next movie comes out in November. I just find putting time aside to lay in bed and read difficult. I always feel like there's somewhere else I need to be, or I should be sleeping, or doing laundry, or etc etc etc.

I guess it's important that I make some time for myself so I don't go crazy. And starting to date someone new is exciting and scary, and we both don't want things to move too fast... so this ME time is really necessary. Along with making time to see friends and family.

I feel terrible not having time to see my favorite people lately. But hopefully once I get used to my new routine I'll learn how to balance everything.

Thankfully right now though the only thing I need to worry about is getting some sleep. 7am is gonna sneak up on me.

xx

presents!

My birthday is less than a month away, and even though I don't expect presents from anyone, here's a little wishlist that I'm making up anyway. A girl can dream right? And I mostly dream in helvetica.


Even though I would prefer white lettering, it's still simple and fantastic. I am a girl that loves her tote bags [for proof of this, please see my closest].

[source]


I tried to talk Jami into us getting this for the living room. I'm hoping she might just make me one, even if it's just out of poster board.


I love me some ghetto gold jewelry. Especially nerdy ghetto gold.

[source]


I would sleep so much better at night with this hanging above my bed.


Just insane. I've been pining for this scarf for months. It's the most creative thing I've come across in a long time.

And of course I would just love a hardcopy of the movie so I don't have to watch it on my laptop all the time.

In all seriousness, I'm turning 25 this year and as much as I want to make a big deal about it, at the same time I just would love to have a fun evening with my friends at my bar. Nothing crazy, I would still like to function on some level the next morning. I just want to be surrounded by the important people in my life, that's all the matters to me at the end up the day. Oh and going to Hollingshead for lunch because I will get my birthday brownie dammit!

xx

dub.

I'm terribly in love with this girl. She reminds me a lot of GoldieLocks.

I do love me some underground British dubstep/grime.

again.

Well, ya win some and ya lose most of them. At least I don't feel bad and it was only a few dates. So glad I didn't get my hopes up.

Tomorrow I start my crazy schedule once again. Ugh I should have slept in more today to take advantage! Closing at work is taking some time to get used. I really enjoy being able to bake again, but it's a lot more physical labor. It's kicking my ass in a good way.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend and David's beer filled bbq. I lucked up and actually got Sunday off from the bakery so I can sleep and recover before going back to work Monday morning.



And for no particular reason, I'm currently playing this song on repeat. And I would do just about anything to see these men live. Like now. Preferably a private show in my living room.

xx

anxiety.

I don't know why this past week has been full of a lot of anxiety. And not the good kind. Not the productive, excited about something kind. More like the panic, not wanting to be in public anxiety. I know I'm stressed about money, going back to the school district [new school, new position, still haven't gotten a call to do my paperwork for it], working at the bakery [it's not going as well as it should], family, friends, dating, etc. I'm not really sure how to take a deep breath and just face everything, all I know is I'm gonna be up in about 5 1/2 hours going to work, and I'll make it there.

After work tomorrow I have to drive straight to my parents in San Diego for my brother's birthday. He's flying in from SF. I'm really excited to see him and my parents, but right now all I want to do is come home after work tomorrow and crawl into bed. This is definitely frustrating.

I don't know if I'm stressing also about the first date I've been on in who knows how long. This guy is rad though and I'm excited to get to know him. We had a french toast dinner on Monday night, and then hit up karaoke across the street. He sang a few songs which were fantastic, met my friends, we danced around like silly kids, and had a good time overall. I'm just over thinking and over analyzing everything now, which is so pointless. I need to just have fun, and whatever happens, happens. It's nothing serious and I'm making everything so serious in my head. I wish I could just let my emotions go on vacation for a while cause they really do get in the way sometimes.

The last 6 months have consisted of me getting more and more wrapped up in work, which is fine, but it's made it hard to think about dating anyone. And as much as I want to have someone in my life, I'm being so cautious about it because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again and becoming a major mess. I'm trying to be a grown-up about everything, but somehow my 16 y/o self keeps creeping out.

Maybe getting out of town for a day or so will be a good thing. Plus I'm going to Stone on Friday morning because they're releasing their Smoked Porter with Vanilla Beans for growler fills. I'll definitely have to write a review up on that.

[It's really amazing how writing all this down has already helped me relax. Thank you internetz. I know a lot of people think it's weird to have a public blog where you pour your heart out, but I've been writing in online journals for almost 10 years and they've always been so helpful to me.]


This last week I've been terribly obsessed with Mumford & Sons. They remind me of The Avett Brothers... but better. I know that some hipster might come try to punch me in the neck for saying that [and come on, your little vegan arms can't really do anything], but seriously, Mumford & Sons have stolen my heart.


I've been reminded of how amazing this song is thanks to karaoke this past Monday. And I realize now that I really need to own 500 Days of Summer.


And this is just because it happens to be one of my favorite Smiths songs.

Well seeing as I'm going to get only about 5 hours of sleep by time I finished writing this, I should probably go to bed. I think I've written myself into sleepmode finally.

xx