SF.

I'm heading to San Francisco this afternoon to spend the whole weekend with my brother. I'm so excited for this little vacation. I do wish the bear was coming with me, but next time. :]

All I can think of is this song, and how excited I am to walk everywhere!



I just need to charge my camera batteries, finish laundry & packing, and run to the bank. The bear is dropping me off at the airport around 3pm for my 5pm flight. I can't believe this trip is happening today! Seriously, the time between booking the flight and today went by so fast.

Well I hope everyone out there has a wonderful weekend. I'm gonna do my best to stay off the internet as much as possible, and just enjoy the city and the people I'm with.

xx

return.

Less than a week until SF! I can't wait to visit my brother, and hopefully fall in love with a new city.

Now I'm laying in bed, trying to get myself up and showered so I can return to my full time work load. It was nice having a week off from the morning job [thanks thanksgiving], and it's definitely going to be weird going back today. Not something I'm really looking forward to obviously.

Oh life, you're never dull, that's for sure.

fail.

this is how i feel tonight.

believe.

It's really amazing to me how much things have changed in the past few months. The bear & I have been through some crazy shit ever since we started dating. And for us only being together a little over 2 months, it feels like SO much longer. I question about things moving too fast, but this is different. It doesn't feel like the lustful, head in the clouds, kind of relationship. The things we've been through have been real adult issues, and the fact that we've been able to get through them fine gives me so much hope for the future.

He's starting to apply for jobs now, since he's just been a student ever since he got out of the military a year ago. And since he's applying for jobs outside of Orange County, we've had to discuss our options. Without any doubt, he's told me that he wants me to move with him if he does get a job outside OC. This is exciting and nerve wrecking for me. The idea of finally getting out of OC is great, especially since I've been wanting to make the move for quite some time. But is this too soon? Am I rushing into something?

Just the fact that I've had him tell me that he wants to take care of me, he wants to make enough money so I don't have to work 2 jobs anymore; this is just so new to me. I've been independent for so long, but at the same time he really does make me want to trust someone to care for me.

I can envision this future. I can see how great it would be. And I'm more happy than nervous at the thought of us going and starting a life together. I guess it's more the thought in the back of my head... what's everyone else going to think? This is terrible, because it's not their life and my true friends will be supportive of me. But at the same time, I understand why people would be concerned.

I know this is a lot to think about when he doesn't even have the job yet. And that I'll cross that bridge when I get there. There's just so much going through my head, and it's really been a long and strange day, that of course I'm over thinking it.

At the end of the day, him & I will end up where we need to be at the right time. I believe that. Everything really does happen for a reason.

-----

Besides all the business that's been going on, I've been working and still getting over my illness. I'm feeling quite a lot better, so much so that bear & I went out in LBC last night. It was a nice change of scenery, but man is it so much easier to drop money when there's cover charges on top of drinks. I'm pretty spoiled in Santa Ana.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I took today off because we had a car issue this morning that left both of us a little shaken up. Lucky for me, my manager was really understanding, as well as my coworkers.

At least I do get to sleep in tomorrow, then go make some delicious cupcakes, and come home to crash by 9pm. Next week is going to be very long since I'll be working at least 7 days in a row. Let's just hope that nothing else exciting happens tomorrow. I'm looking for a nice boring, work filled week.

So good night. I hope to pass out to the sweet bass of Proof Bar coming through my window.

xx

good.

Life has been so good to me lately, despite being totally sick for the last month. I'm finally getting over this terrible cold that I've had. It took me finally giving in and going to the doctor, taking some time off work, and actually resting for once. The only thing I have left is my cough, but hopefully that will be gone by next week.

The bear and I have been doing so well lately. We had a really great weekend of dancing, drinking, documentarying... yeah, new word. And tomorrow night is date night, which includes Due Date and sleepovers. I'm so happy to be able to sleep in Thursday & Friday thanks to Veterans Day + working for the school district. Yay for being paid to not go to work. And since the bear is a Vet, Thursday we're gonna go try to get some free food deals for his service to this country.

The whole way home from work tonight, all I wanted to do was listen to "Home" by LCD Soundsystem. It just seemed fitting. Even after going out and grabbing drinks with coworkers after we were off work, I still couldn't wait to come home. I've seen such a change in myself over the last few months. It's not that I don't want to go out anymore, I'm just enjoying my quite time at home more and more. It probably has a lot to do with me being sick too. I just have so much going on, and I'm trying to save money for my trip to San Francisco at the beginning of December, that the idea of being home in my pajamas seems so much more enticing than being out/being blacked out.

I'm sure I'll return to my previously scheduled drunken Candice soon enough. She does usually pop her curly head out every few weeks. But until then...



xx

fresh.

I'm thinking about restarting this blog, or just starting up a new one. One that I can follow under a different format.

Not that I don't like this blog, but I touched on some personal stuff in the past, that is really not a part of who I am now. And even though those things did help me become who I am today, they're not things I'm going to be referencing all the time.

So a fresh start is what I need. Details will be coming soon. And hopefully those of you following me here will start following me in my new endeavor as well.

xx

sober.

I've been sober for the last 5 days. I don't know the last time I was sober for so long. It's brought some much needed clarity to my life, and the fact that I haven't been craving alcohol is also a good sign. It's not like I'm drunk all the time, but having at least a beer a day has been part of my normal routine for a while now.

I'm not really sure when I'm gonna drink again. Could be tomorrow, seeing as the bear and I are going out. But I also want to prove to myself that I can go out, not drink, and still have a good time. Also not being hungover the next morning would be nice as well.

I've really needed to be on my A game this week, I have too much going on, and too many long days. But I'm really looking forward to having Sunday off, and hopefully an adventure with my boy.

Sleep is something that should be happening right now. I guess I should actually give that a try. Hmph.

xx

weird.

Consoling your heartbreaker about their recent heartbreak is the weirdest thing ever. But apparently I have a motherly side somewhere in my body.

official.

[source]

So Bear & I made it official in a bit of a drunken haze last night. It was nice waking up next to him this morning, and I'm looking forward to many more mornings like that. Hopefully not all of them will involve me having to go to work at 830am though.

Besides my glee of getting to change my FB status and profess to the internet world how happy I am right now, I'm also getting things done around the house today. I cleaned up the kitchen, and am in the middle of doing the bit of laundry I have. Then later tonight is dinner with my Patty for her birthday.

I also ran across this fantastic blog called DEVIATED. Definitely something worth following.


[source]

Well now I'm off to spend hopefully the rest of the day away from the internet, and maybe even go try on some TOMS shoes that I'll be able to finally get with my next paycheck. Thank goodness for a full paycheck and a last minute baking order for this weekend. This little lady sure needed some funds.

xx

exhausted.

This has been such an incredibly long week, and tomorrow will be my 7th of probably 15 days in a row I'll be working. And even though it's only 1/2 day of work for me tomorrow, it's still an 8 hour shift and that sucks. I'm a little tired of cupcakes at this point.

The boy [we'll call him Bear] is doing good. And him & I are doing good. I'm trying my best to not over think everything, but it's my nature. He's really accepting of who I am, and where I'm wanting to go, and I just can't wrap my head around it. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, which is annoying because all I've wanted was to be happy.. and I am! But I'm over thinking it rather than just living in it. Oh well, he's pretty rad, and I'm really happy, so I should just get over it and accept that I deserve someone that doesn't make me feel like shit for once.

Bear's gonna meet Patty on Monday finally, which I'm jazzed about! I'm taking them out to dinner for Patty's birthday, which should be fun and fatty.

And next week is my favorite holiday... actually probably the only holiday I really enjoy. [This may be because I'm selfish.] I turn the awesome age of 25 on the 28th of this month. It should be a really fun birthday. Plus I took time off work to fully enjoy it. Booze and food and friends. I'm gonna run around DTSA and act a fool all night.

I don't think I realized how incredibly exhausted I was until I crawled into bed. So now I'm gonna go read, and probably fall asleep about 1/2 way through the first page. Tomorrow is going to be full of more cupcakes... along with this whole week. On top of work I'm making birthday cupcakes for my cousin. Goodness. I swear I do find time to sleep, even if it's not as much as I would like.

xx

sick.

Best 2nd date I've ever had. Even though I'm totally bummed that this charming man had to spend all day in ICU because of a flu gone terribly wrong, we still made the best of it.

This weekend will be full of cupcakes, pizza, back to the future, and pajama parties.

xx

woo.

I'm smitten and it feels so good. I'm not even gonna bother second guessing it, because that never gets me anywhere.

And I'm actually losing my voice because we've spent the last 3 days talking for hours on end.

Who knew a guy that I've been chatting with sporadically for a few months would turn out to be such a rad guy that I totally click with? I'm so excited to see where this all goes. And to have more conversations until 7am. And more beer, and food, and grocery store dates.

Besides this whole smitten thing, I'm exhausted and enthralled with work. Long days are never fun, but it keeps me busy and I'm back to making the money I've been missing. I'm trying to find time to read and catch up on TV, but it's hard. I really need to reread the Harry Potter series before the next movie comes out in November. I just find putting time aside to lay in bed and read difficult. I always feel like there's somewhere else I need to be, or I should be sleeping, or doing laundry, or etc etc etc.

I guess it's important that I make some time for myself so I don't go crazy. And starting to date someone new is exciting and scary, and we both don't want things to move too fast... so this ME time is really necessary. Along with making time to see friends and family.

I feel terrible not having time to see my favorite people lately. But hopefully once I get used to my new routine I'll learn how to balance everything.

Thankfully right now though the only thing I need to worry about is getting some sleep. 7am is gonna sneak up on me.

xx

presents!

My birthday is less than a month away, and even though I don't expect presents from anyone, here's a little wishlist that I'm making up anyway. A girl can dream right? And I mostly dream in helvetica.


Even though I would prefer white lettering, it's still simple and fantastic. I am a girl that loves her tote bags [for proof of this, please see my closest].

[source]


I tried to talk Jami into us getting this for the living room. I'm hoping she might just make me one, even if it's just out of poster board.


I love me some ghetto gold jewelry. Especially nerdy ghetto gold.

[source]


I would sleep so much better at night with this hanging above my bed.


Just insane. I've been pining for this scarf for months. It's the most creative thing I've come across in a long time.

And of course I would just love a hardcopy of the movie so I don't have to watch it on my laptop all the time.

In all seriousness, I'm turning 25 this year and as much as I want to make a big deal about it, at the same time I just would love to have a fun evening with my friends at my bar. Nothing crazy, I would still like to function on some level the next morning. I just want to be surrounded by the important people in my life, that's all the matters to me at the end up the day. Oh and going to Hollingshead for lunch because I will get my birthday brownie dammit!

xx

dub.

I'm terribly in love with this girl. She reminds me a lot of GoldieLocks.

I do love me some underground British dubstep/grime.

again.

Well, ya win some and ya lose most of them. At least I don't feel bad and it was only a few dates. So glad I didn't get my hopes up.

Tomorrow I start my crazy schedule once again. Ugh I should have slept in more today to take advantage! Closing at work is taking some time to get used. I really enjoy being able to bake again, but it's a lot more physical labor. It's kicking my ass in a good way.

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend and David's beer filled bbq. I lucked up and actually got Sunday off from the bakery so I can sleep and recover before going back to work Monday morning.



And for no particular reason, I'm currently playing this song on repeat. And I would do just about anything to see these men live. Like now. Preferably a private show in my living room.

xx

anxiety.

I don't know why this past week has been full of a lot of anxiety. And not the good kind. Not the productive, excited about something kind. More like the panic, not wanting to be in public anxiety. I know I'm stressed about money, going back to the school district [new school, new position, still haven't gotten a call to do my paperwork for it], working at the bakery [it's not going as well as it should], family, friends, dating, etc. I'm not really sure how to take a deep breath and just face everything, all I know is I'm gonna be up in about 5 1/2 hours going to work, and I'll make it there.

After work tomorrow I have to drive straight to my parents in San Diego for my brother's birthday. He's flying in from SF. I'm really excited to see him and my parents, but right now all I want to do is come home after work tomorrow and crawl into bed. This is definitely frustrating.

I don't know if I'm stressing also about the first date I've been on in who knows how long. This guy is rad though and I'm excited to get to know him. We had a french toast dinner on Monday night, and then hit up karaoke across the street. He sang a few songs which were fantastic, met my friends, we danced around like silly kids, and had a good time overall. I'm just over thinking and over analyzing everything now, which is so pointless. I need to just have fun, and whatever happens, happens. It's nothing serious and I'm making everything so serious in my head. I wish I could just let my emotions go on vacation for a while cause they really do get in the way sometimes.

The last 6 months have consisted of me getting more and more wrapped up in work, which is fine, but it's made it hard to think about dating anyone. And as much as I want to have someone in my life, I'm being so cautious about it because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again and becoming a major mess. I'm trying to be a grown-up about everything, but somehow my 16 y/o self keeps creeping out.

Maybe getting out of town for a day or so will be a good thing. Plus I'm going to Stone on Friday morning because they're releasing their Smoked Porter with Vanilla Beans for growler fills. I'll definitely have to write a review up on that.

[It's really amazing how writing all this down has already helped me relax. Thank you internetz. I know a lot of people think it's weird to have a public blog where you pour your heart out, but I've been writing in online journals for almost 10 years and they've always been so helpful to me.]


This last week I've been terribly obsessed with Mumford & Sons. They remind me of The Avett Brothers... but better. I know that some hipster might come try to punch me in the neck for saying that [and come on, your little vegan arms can't really do anything], but seriously, Mumford & Sons have stolen my heart.


I've been reminded of how amazing this song is thanks to karaoke this past Monday. And I realize now that I really need to own 500 Days of Summer.


And this is just because it happens to be one of my favorite Smiths songs.

Well seeing as I'm going to get only about 5 hours of sleep by time I finished writing this, I should probably go to bed. I think I've written myself into sleepmode finally.

xx

Stone.

Greg Koch [CEO of Stone Brewing Co], David, & myself!

Yesterday David & I met up at Stone for drinks & delicious food. While we were sitting in the Bistro I spotted Greg Koch aka the CEO of Stone walking through. So when we finally finished our dinner we decided to go try to meet him... and as you can see from above, we did! We just got to say "hi" and have him take a picture with us, but it was rad. Gosh I love Stone!

quit.

Today consisted of peanut butter cookie/cup making... beerz drinking... and even some reading.

I took myself to the deli and had a beer on my own. It was nice because even though I know people there, I could still sit on my own and read and drink my beer without really being bothered. If I tried to do that downtown I'd get too caught up in seeing people and starting conversations.

The Stone 14th Anniversary I had on tap today was definitely 'OMNOMNOM' status. This is a beer I've really been enjoying since it's release a few weeks back, so finally having a big glass full of it from the tap made my day so much more delicious.

So my 1 full day off was a success, but tomorrow it's back to the grind. I'm looking forward to having Thursday AND Friday off next week. It's been awhile since I had 2 days off in a row.

Oh and I'm trying to quit smoking because it's an expensive habit and makes me feel kinda crappy overall. Wish me luck kids! I'm hoping I can kick the habit.

Well until next time, when something else interesting happens.

xx

bicycle.

Look what i bought!

And all I wanna do now is listen to this song.



Bike adventure this weekend with my Ellen. Maybe I will end up liking summer more than I thought.

xx

catch up.

The show went so great last night. Aaron's art work was amazing. There was a great turn out of people. I passed out a ton of cookies and cards. And everyone had a blast. I'm so lucky to have amazing people in my life that let me do awesome things like this.

It's going to be so strange going back to work tomorrow after 5 days off. But at the same time I'm excited to get back to normal life. These days off were definitely needed though. It was nice to go out and not have to worry about waking up at a certain time the next day. I relaxed, caught up with people, slept, didn't touch a cupcake [you really don't know how happy this made me], drank a bit too much, and had a blast. And on top of everything, this weekend itself was one of the best I've had in a while.


I caught up with an old friend today, and it made me so happy to have a drink, talk, and fuck around for a few hours. It really made me realize that how I react to things going on in other peoples lives can have a serious impact on our friendship. This is something I'm going to be working on.

I have so many good things going on that I really don't want to fuck anything up. I'm looking at expanding lush pastries more on the internetz. I'm going to be revamping my Santa Ana Saved My Life blog now that I have a clear idea on what I want to do with it [stayed tuned because it should be awesome]. I know that everything needs to be taken 1 day at a time, so I'm trying not to stress too much about it.

But as for now I need to get myself to sleep because 4:30am is going to be rough after not seeing it for many days.

xx

box.

The cookies are all done and packaged. I'm so happy with how they came out. It's like, you have an awesome idea and can imagine it all completed in your head, but you never know if it's really going to be that great. These came out just right.

Much thanks to Aaron Kraten and The Box Gallery for letting me do these. Most fun I've had baking in awhile.

xx

stencil.

Cutting out stencils for Aaron Kraten cookies made this evening not so bad. Also a short conversation with a good friend helped me to put things in more perspective [ie. not everyone that seems happy is always happy, but there's always a light at the end and there's always a friend there even when you think you're alone].

I'm so excited to make it through 1 more day of work, and then to enjoy 5 lovely days of cookies & sleeping in. Also birthdays and adventures will be thrown in there too. But mostly cookies and food coloring and an airbrush will be the bulk of my time.

My friend who runs an awesome restaurant called Rooster PM reminded me tonight that we were gonna make endangered species cookies/cupcakes for his place. Now I really want to make a manatee stencil for him. I'm gonna try to work on that this week as well as everything else.

So I'm gonna turn this week around from last night because I really don't have the time and energy to be a downer. Plus I have some really amazing things happening at the moment!

And I must must MUST remind myself: I can't control how other's treat me... I can only control how I react to the situation. And I'm taking back control.

xx

low.

I'm feeling so incredibly low lately. Down and out. Lonely like whoa. And I'm not sure what the problem is besides the serious lack of friends lately. I've lost 2 of my best friends in the last month, and everyone else has been caught up with their own lives.

I spend most days at home after work, watching tv, reading, and crashing in bed early. And yet I feel like crap most days because I'm stressed and sad. I just want someone to talk to. I want a constant in my life again.

Why do I lose friends so easily? I can only think it's me.

Crying would probably be ideal about now, but I can't even seem to do that. Hopefully I'll luck up and fall asleep soon.

This really isn't how I wanted life to be again.

xx

busy.

Who knew only having 1 job would still keep me really busy? So what have I been up to the last few weeks? My dear friend Shannon's wedding was definitely #1.



That's the whole set up at the venue. I'm just so happy that they liked everything.

Now that the wedding is done I can move onto my next big project... airbrushed cookies for the next Box Gallery opening. It's Aaron Kraten's show and I'm so excited because we went out to lunch the other day so he could sketch me the image for the cookies.

He was also awesome enough to draw me megaman!



I really need this tattooed on me ASAP.

Well life is going pretty swell at the moment. Good people surrounding me makes that a lot easier. Now if only I could find a second job already!

xx

boyz.

I'll forever be just one of the guys. This can be a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.

Where can there be a happy medium?

cuppycakes.

I just finished baking over 106 cupcakes for Shannon's wedding this weekend. It took me about 5 hours to do it and that's only because I only have 2 cupcake pans. Might be time to invest in a few more for instances like today.

I have my buttercream and cream cheese frosting already made too, along with the top tier cake.

This has been the craziest week ever for lush pastries, and tomorrow is gonna be the cherry on top. Decorating everything!

I really can't wait for Saturday to be done with, and Monday to get here already so I can have a nice lazy full day off.

xx

prep.

Today I made over 70 gum paste roses for my friends wedding this weekend. I'm making 106 cupcakes plus a top tier 6" square cake for them to cut into. This has got to be one of the biggest orders I've ever done for lush pastries and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Mostly nervous about fitting everything in around my normal work schedule [this is the only reason I'm happy to not be at the school district right now], and my lack of space. But it'll be fine, everything always works out, because it has to.

Who knew making all those little guys while watching the appendices from LOTR could make me so exhausted though? Well it could be the 8 hours at the bakery this morning too. And since I have to wake up at 430am and do it all over again tomorrow, I'm gonna close up my computer and close up my eyes.

This week has too much going on for me to be a sleepyhead in the morning.

xx

HBP.

Watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince sober is making me extremely happy tonight... especially since I'm feeling sick and exhausted thanks to a very long night last night. It's the little things.

flip.

i kinda got my world flipped upside down this afternoon, and i don't really know how to process everything. for once i'm not in a weird place with a guy friend [which i normally know how to fix/resolve], but a girl friend instead. and i've always had problems when it comes to a bump in the road with a gal pal. so what's a girl to do? i'm really not sure actually. i really just want to scream, eat fried chicken, and scribble in a notebook.

1 hour until i'm out of work, then maybe these things will happen.

xx

drive.

Driving at night on the freeway with music blasting and me singing at the top of my lungs reminds me of being 19 y/o again and making the drive back to Kingman, AZ from Orange County. And even though the drive to SD is much closer, it still felt just as good.

I need more nights like this in my life.

xx

back.

Despite feeling exhausted, this weekend has led me back to where I was a year ago. How I felt before my world got shook up last summer. And I won't knock the summer of '09 because it was pretty rad. But I'm looking forward to some air conditioning, good beer, bike rides [please let me get my bike soon], book clubs, and good times with EVERYONE this summer.

I feel like my old self again, and the diamond on my right knuckle seems even more authentic now.

I lived to tell the tale.

----------------------

You ever reach a point where you need to download some new music because everything you have right now is tied to someone or something else, and you're past that now? Oh well maybe it's just me.

I get paid on Thursday and there will definitely be some new music added to my library. Well new-old music. I'm always about 5 years behind it seems.

Elvis Perkins & Jenny Owen Youngs, you will be in my life even more soon. And hopefully Allison Weiss as well.







Well I told myself I'd go to bed about an hour ago, and even though I'm laying here, I'm pretty sure it's a better idea to close my eyes and get some sleep. I have a few more long days ahead of me before parental times and Stone growler fills.

xx

perk.

I have a feeling I'm about to start an unhealthy relationship with Elvis Perkins.

sleep.

And now I will go to bed listening to Bright Eyes and Her Space Holiday... not because I'm sad... but because I can.

changes.

There are some really good and positive changes happening in the coming weeks. There are also some sad changes, but I'm hoping those will turn into something good.

The biggest one is me having to find a new job because my position is being closed at the school district. After over 4 years of working for the same school I'm gonna be moving on. I'm bummed about it, but it's definitely time to move on, even if it's out of my control. Maybe a forced change was needed.

As for everything else, I'm looking forward to seeing SATC2 with Nicci tomorrow afternoon. I'm also looking forward to reading more of A Prayer for Owen Meany and Jesus' Son [which my lovely friend David was kind enough to lend me]. I'm also excited to hang out with my Patty, sit in my pajamas, sleep in on Saturday, play with Fortran, and maybe get my bangs trimmed. Oh and work a bit too of course.

I sprained my ankle the other day in an accident involving four loko & a doorway, so the lazier I am this weekend, the better.

Well off to bed I go now. 430am is gonna come soon enough. Too soon.

xx

noes.

Less than 12 hours ago I went to Stone Brewing Co and got my growler filled with 2010 Old Guardian. It's like 11.7ish%. It's one of their beers I thought I wasn't a fan of until I tried it for a second time [well the 2009].

I've had this beer several times now on tap at Hollingshead and in bottles, but the growler fill has definitely cemented it in my top 5 beers.

It's slow to kick your ass, but it definitely will. And that oak flavor reminds me of my grandma's cedar chest in a good way. Like she would be proud of me for drinking something so awesome because she was rolling her own cigarettes at the age of 5.


I finished the whole 1 liter growler by myself tonight between P's house and my house. And I enjoyed every minute of it.

Sometimes it takes something awesome to make a few crazy days not seem so crazy.

And now I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette, turn off my computer, brush my teeth, and go to bed. Just because.

xx

beerz.

I'm heading to Stone Brewing Co. today to fill up my growler with some yummy goodness. I'm hoping I might luck up and they won't have tapped out on either the Imperial Russian Stout or Saison du Buff they tapped over the weekend. Otherwise I'm sure I'll find something yummy.

xx

end.

Dear LOST...

Thank you for that last shot. It brought the series full circle. The fact that the big questions were answered doesn't even make me mad that there are probably some things I'm still wondering about. I'll miss you a lot, and Tuesday nights are going to be a bit lonelier without you.

Love,

Candice

internetz.

Sometimes I think it might be a really good idea to delete my facebook. And twitter. And all the blogs I have. What's the worst that could happen? People would have to stop being internetz friends and real life friends finally? Is that so hard?

And I'm probably being a hypocrite right now because I'm writing about this in one of my blogs.

Maybe I could keep a blog still...

read.

I'm trying to take the bits of free time I have and spend them at home having quiet nights. This will be the last quiet night until possibly Sunday since the next few days will be full of work, baby shower cupcakes, wedding meetings, gallery openings, and hopefully a few drinks with friends.

So to keep this quiet night especially quiet I'm going to lay in bed, get off the computer, and read a new book I picked up. I haven't been book shopping in forever, and finally I headed to my local Borders earlier this week and picked up A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving.

I've been wanting to read this for awhile because I have lyrics from the Jimmy Eat World song "Goodbye Sky Harbor" tattooed on my feet... and thanks to songmeanings.com I realized that this song was inspired by the Irving novel. And since I'm obsessed with that song and want to know more of the meaning behind it, I thought it would be a good read.

Plus I've been trying for so long to get my drive back for reading. It's been awhile since I wanted to curl up in bed with a good book. But as life gets busier and more stressful, I'm finding solace in diving into other peoples lives [even if they are fictional].

And who doesn't love the smell of new books, or old books... or any books for that matter?!

xx

whiskey tears.

So I have a slight obsession with songs about heartbreak & whiskey. It might be the perfect combination [or the most dangerous... oh well].











If you have any other good ones pass them along to me.

xx

lonely.

So I'm in one of those moods where I don't know if it's PMS or loneliness or I'm just completely exhausted. I fell asleep around 8pm last night and woke up at 415am for work, still in a weird mood. I really don't know how to shake the funk, and I have to be on my best behavior the next few days because I have 2 more early mornings at work. It's hard to bounce between jobs and not have a moment to decompress, but a girl has to pay the bills.

It's times like this where I think it would be so much easier to deal with everything if I had someone to stand beside me in the tough times. Like if I had someone's hand to hold at the end of the day all my problems would magically melt away. I've done that before, and I know it's not totally true, but it would be nice to have someone's should to cry on when I'm too exhausted to move.

And then I feel guilty for having these feelings because I'm an independent gal, I work 2 jobs, I pay my own bills, I walk myself home late at night from the bar... why do I need someone? I think it's now more of a selfish 'want' than a real 'need.' I don't know if I've ever really NEEDED anyone to validate myself.

So all you happy [or even unhappy] couples out there, I'm a little jealous of your bed companion. And your weeknight movie companion. And your kissing in the rain companion. Sappy enough yet?



I've also been completely obsessed with this song. It's the sweetest and saddest song about a one night stand that I've ever heard. I love Hello Saferide because she's completely silly and honest at the same time. It's definitely one of those albums where I feel like 99% of the songs were written personally for me. And I wish I could blast them from my balcony so everyone could finally understand me and why I'm so sad sometimes.

Please bear with my emoness for a bit. I promise it will pass. I guarantee it!

xx

CH!

It was CH's birthday on Thursday and I was asked to make some awesome cupcakes for the event. The thing is, CH isn't a fan of sweets, so I had to find a way to make him appreciate the cupcakes even if he wasn't going to eat it.

This is when my airbrush came in handy!


Helvetica "ch" on each cupcake!

I kid you not, this idea came to me only a few hours before I needed to take these down to Memphis. I made a stencil with some paper and tape and an exacto knife. Then I dipped the cupcakes in white chocolate and airbrushed them with red food coloring. I'm so so so happy with how they came out.

bangs.

Meet Fortran... my roomie's pup/my partner in crime when I have a day off

I went today and got my hair cut... it was mostly bulk getting taken out rather than length. I asked Nicole to straighten it for me cause it's been months since I've even attempted to do it, and to also give me some bangin' bangs. Results: I love it. I'm sure I'll be back to curly in a few days, but for my grandma's birthday party tomorrow, I'll look pretty snazzy.

I'm so excited because my brother is coming into town tonight, and he's staying with me for the weekend. He's one of my favorite people ever. And we always have fun adventures. So we're going out tonight Downtown... gonna shake up Santa Ana a bit.

Until then, Fortran and I are gonna continue to be lazy and lay on the couch. Maybe we'll go outside so I can have a cigarette, and he can sniff around. And maybe we'll even watch Angel-A which I've had from Netflix for almost a week. I'm glad to have some good company with me today.

xx

stout.

I made these awesome cupcakes for an order last week. Since I couldn't find Stone Imperial Russian Stout at the deli I ended up getting a can of Oskar Blue's Ten Fidy. I really loved the roasted flavor that the beer ended up giving the cupcakes. They're topped off with chocolate buttercream & candied bacon.

These cupcakes reminded me why I love baking. They were a lot of fun, especially candying bacon for the first time.

Hopefully someday Lush Pastries will have a real store and I can feed the masses pastries full of booze and bacon all the time! I'm here to make the world a fatter place.

xx

hair.

I'm growing my hair out, and I hope I can somehow make it look like Jenny Owen Youngs.

I think this is just in hope that I will become awesome like her.

xx

femme.

For some odd reason I've been trying to gussy up more. I'll throw on eye shadow and liner, make sure my hair is especially big and curly, and today I even decided to put on a dress. In the daylight.

What is wrong with me?

In other "changes" news: Patty & I are on a mission. We're planning on taking a trip to Laughlin this summer, and for the next 3 months it's mission 'how much weight can we lose in these 3 months'. Yes, every time I start a mission like this it usually fails, but maybe because I'm not going at it alone it will work out better. So anyone that sees me in the next few months might run across a cranky Candice because I will be cutting out a lot of beer and a lot of cheese. I guess this means I'll be calling March-June the "Jameson and Turkey Cutlet" months.

Wow I used a lot of parentheses in that faux paragraph of mine. Hmph.

Well now I'm off to go shopping for boozy cupcake supplies. The other half of the bottle of Stone Imperial Russian Stout will probably be my last beer for awhile... at least it's a good one!

xx

hobby.

I woke up this morning with an amazing impulse... I decide to drop about $50 and buy a holga. Yup, welcome Candice to the world of toy cameras and film.

I shot my first roll tonight at Proof while we were doing karaoke. I think it will turn out bad and awesome at the same time. I can't wait to get it developed and buy some more film. I don't really expect this is lead anywhere except for having some awesome photos to pin on my wall, but that's all that matters anyways.

And I'm probably gonna buy another one in a few weeks. Very excited.

xx

frands.

Today I realized that being sick really sucks when you already have a shit ton of stuff on your mind... who really wants to lay in bed all day thinking and coughing and feeling gross? Exactly.

And I also realized that having an amazing friend that will just sit around with you and watch tv all night long is a great thing. Nothing beats hours of Sex Decoy & Ru Paul's Drag Race.

<3

fuck.

I don't care what anyone thinks or says...

today was rough. And I made a huge decision despite what others think is important or not. This was important to me. This was part of my day to day life. This is forcing me to break habits that felt so natural to me. I've never had to do anything like this before, and it's the reason I'm up at almost 4am listening to confusing music for my confused mind.

I have never felt the need to disappear so much in my life. I wish I could coma it up for a few weeks and wake up refreshed and aware of what my next step should be.

But since that won't happen I'm just going to keep baking cupcakes at work tonight, and just concentrate on me for the first time. At least to the best of my abilities.

Oh and BTW, my abilities suck a lot for the most part.

xx

3am.

Tegan and Sara - Hell from Catherine Lutes on Vimeo.

I've had a really weird weekend... really weird. Full mostly of work, then drinking, then friends, then sleep. I prioritize well. Things are really pretty great when you get down to it.

Changes are tough though and I'm working on it. It's weird how things that felt so familiar before are almost like a stranger now. It's like I'm progressing so much, but some things have set me back a year + and I'm awkward and uncomfortable.

Gosh, growing up and being an adult with adult feelings and emotions and problems is hard. I know it will get harder and easier in some senses. For now it's hard... but everything else I'm dealing well with.

Life is funny. I lost my other half and am trying to build myself into being that lost half... because that's what needs to happen. It's awesome.

xx

tech-yum.

I want to make these! But probably with chocolate sugar cookie dough so I can get a darker color on them.

Who knew technology could be so damn delicious?

I'm baking my ass off nowadays. I worked my first week at the bakery, and I'm catching on pretty fast as far as I can tell. Then I had a lush pastries order during my 2 days off so that gave me some extra practice at frosting.

My 430am wake-up calls don't make me too happy, but I'm getting more and more used to it. I just wish I could survive on only one job, but there's nothing I can do for the time being. At least I spend most of the day doing something I really love. Not many people can say that, including me a few weeks back. Mostly I'm just exhausted, but that's good cause hopefully it will keep me out of trouble. Oh something like that...

Sleep is overwhelming me now though, so I best close my eyes and get this sleepfest show on the road.

xx

cookies.

I know these have been circulating a bit around the internetz, but I'm seriously still in love with them and hope that they become available for purchase someday soon.



Beverly Hsu helvetica cookie cutters. My nerd boner is so big right now!

xx

sorry.

So apparently I rule at life and like to collapse from drunkenness outside bars and have 5 people carry me home. Like literally carry me home. Each limb and my head. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed from something I don't remember... EVER. So my apologies and thanks go out to the people of Santa Ana and my amazing friends who put up with me that night. The bump on my head is not payment enough for what they had to go through.

xx

bake.

I'm moving on to bigger and better things...

I got the job at the bakery! I'm now going to be a professional baker [thanks for the title Eli!]. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. And for the first time in forever I feel like a grown up.

There's other exciting things I have to talk about, but not in this post. I'll keep this short and sweet since I'm exhausted and want to finish my tall can of PBR & hit the sack.

I finally feel like things are turning around in a good way! I must have taken a good turn in the karma department. And as much drama and stupid things that have been happening lately, this drives all those negative feelings away, and for the first time in I don't know how long I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm so excited for this new adventure!

Okay bed time now. My eyes are almost half shut anyway.

xx

sing-sing.

Dear Santa Ana,

I'm pretty sure karaoke at Proof, amazing friends, and the best roommate a girl could dream of saved my soul tonight. Or what's left of it at least.

So looking forward to breakfast and buying black chef pants and making sure my internetz stays awesome tomorrow morning. Let's hope I fit laundry and sleep in there somewhere. That could be important.

Let's hope that I can properly make buttercream and frost cupcakes this week because it could mean big amazing changes to my life.

xx

candice

notes.

Kurt Halsey makes me happy.

Just so you know... I am totally missing you right now.

xx

BAMF.

Sometimes I pretend to be badass. And sometimes I do things that are actually badass. I think this qualifies me as being a BAMF.

wander.

So in less than an hour I'll be on my way to Sid's to get my chest piece done. Oh man! I'm so nervous! I'm excited, but freaking out at the same time. I couldn't get anyone to go with me, which is fine, but it would be nice to have a little bit of support when Bill's jabbing at me with needles for the next few hours. I can't believe what a total nerd I am to actually be getting a huge Lord of the Rings tattoo. I think this is going to motivate me into reading the books again right now. Ugh so much to read, and so little time. I'm still working on HP for my 7th re-read.

Ahhh well I'm sure I have enough vitamin water to get me through the process. And cigarettes. And I just ate a big bowl of mac n cheese so hopefully the carbs will help out too.

Yay for new pretty ink! I'm sure I'll have some kind of pictures to post in the next few days of it.

xx

hopefully.

cakespy.com is all sorts of amazing.

I really think I want to get a few of those guys tattooed on me! Would fit in perfectly with my baking/food sleeve.

So it's raining again, and after a really emotional morning, I'm feeling a lot better to have cried it all out. [And now it seems like the sky is crying, so maybe I won't have to anymore.] I went and got my hair cut for the first time in almost 3 months. Oh goodness was it needed. Thanks to my lovely friend Nicole at Splitends I don't look like a mess anymore.

I have a sinking feeling that this week is going to be a messy one for me, so the lack of alcohol and social settings that I'll be involving myself in will probably be a good thing. It's just amazing how quickly and seamlessly things can change without you even knowing. And once you realize it's out of your control, it's a bit refreshing yet completely heartbreaking at the same time. I know I cannot change anyone's mind about a situation, they are going to make their own decisions, I just hope that it will turn out to be for the best in the end. Right now I'm not too positive about this situation, I'm actually sad and angry and confused all wrapped up in one, but like I said it's out of my control.

I'm such a fixer, when things go bad I want to find a solution as quickly as possible. But for once in my life I know there's nothing I can do to repair a broken friendship if both parties aren't willing. I can't help but question the last year and I wonder if every good time & bad time was worth it, especially if we're not going to end up being friends in the end. What was I fighting for this whole time? But I have to remind myself about all the times he's made me laugh, and all the stupid inside jokes we collected. How we practically had our own language. And how for the first time in a long time I felt like someone really understood the real me. But times get tough and not everything is supposed to last I suppose. Maybe we'll get back on the same page someday. Maybe I won't be sad forever, or at least feel like I'm going to be. And hopefully someday soon he'll make me laugh again like that first night we hung out & stayed up talking until 5am. I do have hope that it will happen. It might be the only thing that's keeping me going.

And one day soon I'll have a bacon cupcake party, and bitter Candice will be gone, and it will be delicious and awesome.

xx

alone.

Candice Brown is a 24 SWF living in Santa Ana, Ca. She enjoys long nights at the bar, anything covered in cheese, and getting really nerdy tattoos.

I haven't felt comfortable being alone in awhile. Trust me, before I actually moved to Santa Ana life was great... except for the living in Garden Grove part. For the first time in a long time I was really happy being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry or answer to anyone. But as soon as I moved Downtown I met someone that changed that and set me back to some old habits.

While the summer was a lot of fun, actually the best summer I've had as an adult, going into fall was tough. And I started to not feel so independent anymore. I had someone to lean on when the shit hit the fan, and it was nice. But I didn't realize that when all that ended, when I really needed to be able to stand up on my own two feet, that I made myself so weak in the knees that I completely collapsed back into being a dependent needy girl.

How gross is that?

I'm not saying this process is going to be easy. I'm not saying I won't cry and punch walls and drink too much to kill some of the pain. All I can say is that I have an amazing support system of friends that will be there for me when times are tough. But at the same time I know that I can pick myself back up. I've done this before. I'm a strong gal.

As for this week, I've decided to take a break from the Downtown life. I need to get some things straight before my new roommate moves in at the beginning of February. I want to get a good amount of sleep at night and keep myself busy at work. Read more. Watch too much Rescue Me thanks to Netflix. And pretty much be okay with being alone.

It's not as sad as it sounds... I promise that there will be more crazy nights in my future. I can guarantee that.

xx

gal pal.

Do you know how incredibly lucky I am? I lucked up and somehow got the best friend a girl could possibly imagine. My love for Patty is immense. In the short time we've known each other we've both been through so many tough times... she's seen me at some of my lowest points this past year actually... and it only makes our friendship stronger.

We've been hanging out so much this past week and I feel like I've gotten to know her so much better! And when she had to go to Arizona with family last few days I missed her like whoa. Like whoa!

I've always had a tough time keeping girl friends. I'm so much more comfortable being one of the guys. My relationships with girls have always ended messy, or worse we just grow apart and never talk about it. For some reason it's so much easier for me to be vocal about my feelings with guys. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and the emotions are expected, but with girls I always feel like I have to be stronger and can't break down as easily.

But for the first time in a long time I feel like I have a strong female friend that I can be myself around. It's pretty awesome.



This is definitely going on the soundtrack of our friendship!

xx

goodness.

Can I just say how much I love Pandora? I've been obsessively listening to the Camera Obscura channel like a crack fiend all week, and this little song came on. Yes Pandora, you must know that the rain and songs about the new year and boys that make me think too much is EXACTLY what I was needing to hear right now. And as weird of a week as I've been having, I'm really happy and looking forward to the end of this month. This is mainly because I have a trip planned for February and I'm more than a little excited about it.

My big brother Dan has been living in San Francisco for 1 1/2 years now and I've yet to go visit him. I've never even been to SF! So with a little money I have coming my way in February, I'm going to be booking a flight and finally getting my butt up there. My whole trip is going to revolve around food, booze, and friends... and hopefully staying away from the internetz as much as possible. I'm also trying to coordinate with my friend that lives up there because I want to see his face like a lot. A lot a lot.

As for this fine evening in January, I'm going down to Memphis for a little PJ party with my friends. People are supposed to bring board games too. I volunteered to bring Harry Potter Scene It since that's the only one I own... but there's no DVD player at the bar PLUS I think everyone would be terrified of me kicking their ass. It's happened before. I think just having a Harry Potter tattoo qualifies me to win. Hmm...

This is why I love my neighborhood so much. Because I can go down to the bar, in my PJ's, and no one cares. Actually I get complimented on my comfort level. It's pretty rad. Thanks Santa Ana. You're pretty awesome!

xx

in.

Why oh why am I awake at 230am? I luckily don't have to work until 1245pm but still, I do have pastry business to take care of before I head to the real job.

Tonight I experienced something that I was afraid would never happen. It's so simple too, but for whatever reason I thought myself incapable of it. I hung out with my friends downtown... without going to the bar. We all just hung out at Patty's [in our pjs], watched Jersey Shore, smoked cigarettes, drank beer & ate pizza. I didn't get trashed. It actually was the most relaxed I've felt all week.

I hope this year consists of more evenings in with friends. Nothing beats trashy tv and amazing company.

And soon, very soon, I promise that I will have an epic Star Wars marathon with PBR & homemade pizza at my place. This will happen once my new roommate moves in and I'm very excited for it. And I know a few other people that will be equally as excited.

In OTHER very exciting news my friend Zuhair over at twohandsradio was kind enough to ask me to write a guest blog entry recapping my 2009. He said some amazingly nice things about me and it really made my day. You should check it out along with all the other awesome entries.

And whenever I think of Zuhair I think of cardigans and how badly I need a black one.



Old Navy [yes Old Navy...] is winning my heart over with these two. I think I might have to make a trip this weekend because it's been years since I've owned a proper black cardigan. And I swear if I find one I'll buy two!

I'm hoping these sleeping pills will kick in soon and I'll be able to dream of being surrounded in piles of black cardigans and cold pizza. Life could be worse.

xx

mail.

Who doesn't like to get mail? I mean, other than bills, getting a package in the mail is one of the raddest things to happen to someone. Or at least I think so. Maybe this is because I don't get packages very often, so when I do it's a really special thing.

This is for my friend that lives just far enough away that I can totally justify sending a package to him. I'm hoping that it will bring him a little bit of joy, maybe some laughs, and a lot of ear-happiness!

This week has been tough so far, but I'm having high hopes going into the weekend. I just finished 6 dozen peanut butter cups for an order that's due Saturday. They're pretty delicious and I'm really happy with how they came out. I even have a little bit of the filling left so if I luck up and have a free moment tomorrow I think I'll make a few for my friends that never got to have them at The Box Gallery opening I catered.

I'm doing my best to stay a bit boring the rest of the week. Concentrate on finishing this order. Go to work and be as productive as possible. And get just enough sleep, not the comas I've been falling into lately. I will tell you it's hard to be boring when you live downtown because I can hear everything going on just outside my window. Maybe I should invest in some cheap earplugs or better headphones.

Well I can hear the post office & work calling my name. Another day another dolla!

xx